Wherever You Are

Chapter 2: Felicia's Unsent Letter

June 16, 2014

Dear Jonah,

Emma and Spencer are trying to get me to go to prom. It's on the 20th. It's getting close and I have to make a decision. I don't want to go unless I'm going with you though. We used to talk about going to prom together. It would be a lie if I said I didn't think about you coming back. I have had dreams where you are standing at my door when I get home from school, but then I wake up and you're still gone. I miss you.

Prom isn't completely off the table yet though. I went shopping to look at dresses with Emma and Derek. I found a short blue one that I liked. It was very simple, how you liked. It was beautiful. I looked at myself in the mirror in the changing room and I imagined you coming up behind me and hugging me and telling me I looked beautiful and kissing my neck. I quickly got that idea out of my head.

As much as I want you here, it's not the reality. I need to wake up from this dream I'm trying to live in. I don't want to forget, but I do want to move on. It isn't real until I move on. I understand what happened and I have gotten over it. Isabella tried to apologize to me a while ago. I ignored her. I appreciated it, but it didn't change any of it.

I also helped Spencer pick out a tux. He looked very handsome. Not as handsome as you would have looked, but pretty handsome. He offered to take me to prom if I wanted to. I told him no. I wasn't ready. He made it clear that it would just be as friends, but if I was going to go, I'd go alone. No date.

This has been hard on Emma too. I can see it. It's the kind of sad that you can see right on her face, but there's nothing you can do to help. There's only one way of it getting better and that's not going to happen. She lost her best friend. The one she's known for so long. Unlike me, she isn't hurt by what's happened. She got caught in the cross fire and lost someone special to her. Have you two talked? It's useless asking questions. They'll never be answered.

I want to talk to her, but I don't even know where to start. We are both in different situations in this. I'm really confused, Jonah. I want to be mad at you. I really do. I want to hate you for what you did. I want to hate you and Isabella, but I don't. I hate myself for letting it happen. For not being there. I should have been the one that you were kissing and there was a reason why it wasn't me. We were fighting. You were going through a lot and I knew it. I should have been there for you. But I wasn't.

So I'm mad at myself more than anyone else. I can't forget about you, Jonah. And I will never hate you. It's not possible.

I still love you,

Felicia