Wherever You Are

Chapter 23

That night Felicia stayed in the room they had shared when her and Jonah had visited Andrew's a few years back. The room still had the two beds against opposite walls with a small nightstand between them. The whole night Felicia was reminded of how she crept from her bed to his in the middle of the night and stayed with him. She remembered the fear they both felt with Seth being just down the hall. It was a feeling that made their hearts race, but at the same time they didn't care because they were so wrapped up in each other back then.

Those memories, combined with the feeling Felicia got seeing Jonah walk through that door again, reminded her she wasn't ready for this just yet. All night she tossed and turned thinking about all the good times they shared together, but every time the pain seemed to creep back in as well, like someone left the back door to her mind open. 

After a restless night, Felicia was actually relieved when the sun had risen and woken her up early. She couldn't take being trapped in that room any longer. When morning came she got out of bed, slid on her slippers, and tiptoed down the squeaky stairs, trying not to wake anyone else in the house. As she opened the front door to get some much needed fresh air, she was startled to see someone leaning against the railing. 

"Jonah," she said with a sigh of relief as she shut the door behind her. "You scared me," she said as she sucked in a breath of air. "Ew, what is that awful-"

She was cut short by the stunning sight before her. Jonah stared back at her like a deer in headlights. He looked like a kid who just got caught trying to steal an extra piece of candy from the candy bowl. "Felicia, I didn't know anyone was up," he started to explain as he took the cigarette from his mouth.

Felicia, with rage bubbling in her eyes, stomped toward him and ripped  the cigarette from his hand. "What the hell are you thinking?" she asked shaking the death stick in the air in front of him. She rolled her eyes and stormed down the few stairs to the driveway and rubbed the lit end of the cigarette into the pavement, then stomped on it and squished it into the ground, like she was killing a bug. 

Watching her stomp the ground with her pink bunny slippers only brought a smile to Jonah's face. He brought his hand up to his face as she came back up the stairs trying to mask his happiness. "Felicia," he started.

"Since when did you smoke?" she asked with disgust, crossing her arms over her chest.

Jonah shrugged and leaned back onto the railing as he watched the cars drive by. He didn't want to look at her. He knew the disappointment she was feeling. It was what he was trying to avoid, for everyone, not just her.

"It's been a couple months I guess, I don't know," Jonah lied. It had been six months but he justified that by telling himself it was only when he couldn't sleep or when he was stressed out.

If Jonah had turned to look at Felicia, he probably would have felt the same distance she was feeling. She felt as though she didn't know Jonah at all anymore. As she stared at him flipping the box of cigarettes in his hand she wondered what else she didn't know about him. She wondered how much he had changed since he had left. 

Not wanting to dwell anymore on the endless possibilities of answers to her questions, Felicia took a seat on the wooden swing that hung from the porch roof. "I'm leaving in a few hours," she said looking at her hands in her lap.

"You just got here." Jonah spun around and leaned his back against the railing to face her. "Can't you stay a little longer?"

Felicia shook her head. "I don't think that would be a good idea. Coming here was a mistake."

Her eyes glanced up to meet Jonah's and she could see the hurt behind those dark orbs surrounded by dark circles. Jonah looked like he barely slept lately, and the black eye forming on his right side didn't help his case either.

"That came out wrong," Felicia backtracked. "It's not that this was a mistake, I just think it was too much for me. Coming here made me realize I need to take this slowly." She started to swing her feet off the edge of the swing rocking herself back and forth. "I can't just erase the pain I've felt this whole time. I want to be mad at you, but I can't. I don't know how to feel about you. Everything has me so confused and it just feels different now."

Jonah nodded. He understood that a lot had changed in the past couple years. "I get it." He took a seat beside her on the swing and moved his legs in time with hers. "Emma came here a while back. She saw how I had changed. She said I looked depressed and lifeless actually," he said with a light laugh, but it caught Felicia's attention. "I know that a lot has changed. We've both been on different paths for a while now." He sighed. He didn't know exactly what he was trying to tell her. He turned to her and said, "I just want our paths to connect again. I know it'll take time and I'll be patient. This will go at your speed. I just want to start over and be friends again at least."

Felicia nodded with a smile. "I think I can do friends for now." 

Jonah nodded. He knew the ball was in her court. He understood that even though he was completely ready to have Felicia back in his life again, things weren't the same for her. 

"Under one condition," Felicia said pointing her finger toward him. 

"Anything," he said.

"You stop smoking." Her tone was strong and powerful. She was serious.

Jonah nodded. "Done. I promise."

Felicia held out her hand in front of her and looked at the box in Jonah's hands. He gave it to her and she looked at it rolling it over between her fingers. She looked back up at him with a smile on her face. Seeing Felicia smile again was all Jonah wanted, even if it meant just being friends with her.