Ben Simmons: When Two Worlds Become One

"How are you?"

Ben's POV

"We leave for the plane in ten," one of the coaches said, as he pounded on my hotel room. It was finally time for the NBA summer league where we travelled to Utah to compete against other teams. It was my first real taste of professional basketball. It had been about 48 hours removed since Sara and I broke up.

I hate thinking about it. It's an automatic trigger that makes my heart hurt, tears start to fall, and my stomach ache. When she left the hotel, I wanted to run after her. Part of me was angry, confused, and desperate for more answers, part of me was scared of losing her, and part of me was desperate to have the love of my life back.

I still do not understand how if you can truly love someone, you could kiss another person. No matter how many parties I went to or how many girls threw themselves at me, I never once considered hooking up with them. The thought of hurting Sara was too much to bear. She entered my life right after I moved to America, and besides my teammates, is the only person I really know. She was my world, and my best friend. Her presence made me feel safe and comfortable even though my home was thousands of miles away. Ever since I left home, I always had her, and I was scared of going through life without her. She was like my life jacket as I was stranded in an ocean. I was alone, in an unfamiliar territory, but she kept me safe and I knew as long as I had her, it was going to be okay. For nearly a year, she had always been my number one priority and I didn't know what it was like to make life-altering decisions without considering her well being first.

Every time I close my eyes, I think of her. I think of the first night we met, and how I was completely awe-stricken by her beauty and the way she spoke is how I imagine an angel sounds. I think of the first time we kissed, slowly, softly, and passionately. I was so nervous to be kissing her, but she pulled apart, and smiled at me. It was the smile that always made me feel at peace, and then she kissed me harder. I can still taste her kiss. I think of the first night we had sex, one late night in September when she came to visit. The walls were so thin and we tried our best to be quiet so no one would know. About 5 minutes in, one of my roommates tapped on the wall, 'Can you guys be a little quieter please?' We just laughed, and yes, we did quiet down, but not much. I think of the moment I proposed to her, how nervous I felt, but how sure I was of my decision. She was so shocked, but her eyes glimmered with excitement. I think of how excited I was to spend the rest of my life with her, I think of how excited I was to have children with her. But now, I think of how our engagement lasted a total of nine days. What we thought would be forever, had a ticker counting down, and timed out much faster than we anticipated.

I went up to my room and cried after she left. Yes, a grown 6'10 professional athlete just wept for two hours. I couldn't feel anything; my body was numb. My family rushed to my comfort, but I sent them away. I didn't want to be around anyone.

I found myself checking her social media at 2 in the morning, going through everything, desperate for a sign at how she was handling this, if it even affected her. She hadn't deleted our pictures together, she hadn't posted anything new. I re-read our old messages constantly.

So, for everyone asking, I'm not okay, but I'm hoping one day I will get there. You see, Sara was never supposed to mean this much to me. I was never supposed to fall so hard. But you know what? I did and that's the truth, that's what keeps me holding on because it hurts like hell to let her go. Part of me doesn't want to give up on her, because I can't go a day without thinking about her. I've never loved anyone like I loved her. I've spent hours analyzing our last few days, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could have, would have happened.

You want the truth? I know I will never get over her. I know that without hesitation or doubt. I loved her. As deeply as it was possible to love someone. And God, I want her. Every day.

But I know she never thinks of me, I probably don't even cross her mind.