Trippy Panda

What More Can I Say?

You know, I've never had so much doubt in myself until now. Ever since that day, I haven't been so happy. I can't focus on anything anymore. So much distractions. Well, at least distractions for me. My mind always wonders off somewhere else. Always goes to him. Thinking about him. How he just left me...

The Box.

So, there's this box in my head. The box with the demons inside. They scrape away and try and let loose. Some will seep through and whisper in my ear about all the hate. They'll remind me of what I really am. They piss me off. I understand the things I did was wrong, But I'm not that person anymore. I'm different now, I promise you I am.

No you're not you liar! Stop lying to yourself like you do to everyone else.

I'M NOT A LIAR! I PROMISE!

You're so fake. You're a shady bitch. You whore. And here you are doing the wrong things again, am I right? You're betraying her, and you're going against your word. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you were different now? Well you're not you shady whore. You're doing it again.

Again.

"Hey, want to meet up with me?" I stared at the text with fear in my heart. Oh boy, you're not going to do it are you? Please don't. Say you can't. Bail out! My conscience is yelling at me not to. Screaming at me.

Type here to respond...

And my fingers began to move as I typed these words.

"Maybe :P I'll let you know :)"

What do you mean maybe!? It's yes or no and you should've said no!

"Cool beans, yo!" Happy beans. I love happy beans.

"Ha-ha happy beans cx ugh sorry this is taking forever :/"

WELL OF COURSE IT'S TAKING FOREVER! CAUSE YOU'RE NOT GOING! STOP! YOU ALREADY KNOW HE WANTS TO DO SOMTHING OTHER THAN TALKING!

"No, no it's ok"

"Ha-ha okay, just give me a bit more time ;P"

Yeah give it a lot more time cause it's never happening cause your not seeing him... Do you realize what this will do to her? If she finds out this time... She didn't find out before because you kept it short and didn't really do anything with him. Even though you did do a really bad thing, she didn't find out. Don't keep it up now, then she'll find out for sure. Plus, what would HE think. You're heart is still with him even though he just left you. Don't give that love up just for a guy who wants one thing.

"Sure I will :P"

"Okay I'm done let me see if I can still go to the park :P"

What the fuck am i doing.

Slowly, I feel my legs walking to the park. It feels like the distance is longer that usual. Crossing the street was a pain. I feel my heart thumping faster and faster with each step. Looking up, I see the sun barely peeking through the clouds. It's pretty chilly right now. My arm reaches out twards the gate Before i open the entrance door, i hesitated. I could stop this right now. Just turn around and walk away. Buts i stepped closer, once i open that gate, there's no turning back. I opened the door, and entered the park.

As I inched closer and closer I could see his tall torso and long legs sitting on the bench. There he is. We said our hello's And climbed up into the towering slide. Then, we actually started just talking. That's all it really was seeming to be, having an actual conversation. About life, about school, friends. Then I noticed that during every pause in our conversation, he would inch. closer. 

I told you. He just wants one thing.

His left hand began to slowly trace up and down my thigh. It felt as if I couldn't move at all over how tingly his touch was. My body began shivering in fear and worry. I knew this couldn't happen. It mustn't.

"So, you remember last year don't you?" He said with snake like eyes.

I nodded in agreement and looked away in hopes of avoiding the whole situation I got myself into. But he kept going. His and traced higher and higher up my thigh. I quickly pushed it way and laughed awkwardly to try and be casual.

"So," I said trying to pass the time. "how about that Mine Craft though?"

"Don't avoid this. It's not working. Trying to play dumb isn't really your style."

My smile faded. I guess, this is it. There really is no turning back.

"Do you think maybe we can keep that same arrangement that we had last year? I mean, we didn't really do much but," his hand traced back all the way up my leg grabbing my crotch. I gasped in shock as he kept feeling up in me. This is, so uncomfortable. As I looked in his eyes, I saw desperation and stupidity. To think that I was hoping he'd see my plead in my expressions, but of course it was no use. I was never one to give in and accept matters for what they are, except I don't really have much of a choice anymore. Rolling my eyes, I blankly said "I mean, I don't know. Whatever happens, happens I guess."

Whatever happens, happens. The most ignorant words I have ever spoken in my entire life.

He looked away laughing and said, "Not really much of an answer but... Whatever happens, happens." he starred out in the distance as if lost in thought. Suddenly he turned back my way, taking his hand from my mid-section, and placed it on my cheek. I stopped breathing. His face was inches away from mine as he gazed into my eyes looking for any hesitation and nodded. I didn't close my eyes, I didn't do anything but let him kiss me. I was speechless. I felt like I shouldn't kiss him back, but I did. I was. When he pulled away he looked into my eyes again. "I'd say that's a hell yeah then." He said.

And we parted ways.

I can't do this anymore.

And I'm not going to. No. No agreement. No nothing. I'm going to live my own life. I will make my own decisions. I have control.

These demons won't get the best to be. I won't even be able to hear them by the end of this year. You just watch. I'm going to change. This year is going to be completely different. I'm going to set things straight. And change the world.

I will change the world someday. Just you watch me.