Trippy Panda

Letters

It feels like my life is flashing before my eyes. Like most things don’t really matter anymore. What happened to me? What happened throughout the couple of months that has made me so lazy and just not motivated? Is there anything at all that made me like this? God, I’m such an emotional roller-coaster. All this is right now is repeated thoughts going through my head that I’ve written down in letters to myself plenty of times. My old and new journals are all scribbled on and colored in with emotions of him. I’ve been talking to him still. Like friends but, also more than that. He’s like how I first met him. Right now, he’s the Kyle that I had fallen for. Except, more accepting. Like, he’s not judging me anymore for what I do. He doesn’t care how I am. He enjoys weed now. He wants to smoke with me. And also, he still wants me to be his first time. He wants me to still share my body with him. And you know what, I want to as well. I’m going to. I don’t know if this is love, but I do know that my deep intimate feelings for him won’t change. He means so much to me. He helped me grow, he helped me learn to live, and he taught me to not be so negative. And guess what, I’m not anymore. This new journal that I have, it’s not filled that much with negativity like it used to be. It’s filled with wonder, adventure, drawings, and just, happiness. Is it because I’ve been smoking weed a bit more? ... No, it’s not that. I’ve only smoked it four times now. Best friend taught me how to use a bong. I didn’t really need teaching, but I’m happy I smoked it. I want to dab now. Dabbing seems fun… Listen to me, I sound like I’m such a stoner now. Ha, not even. I don’t do drugs, I am drugs… I miss her.

Letters        

      December 24, 2013 Tuesday

You know, every day when I enter the doors of my high school, I always get a very comforting feeling. I don't know why. But I guess I just do.

Maybe it’s because I know I’ll soon be surrounded by people who actually accept me and don’t give a damn if I’m weird or not. Hell, who the fuck cares if they’re loud ass sheep. Obviously they don’t. They just don’t really give a damn about anything. For all they know is that if you’re cool with them, they’re cool with you. I don’t know why I’m so comfortable with them., but, you know sometimes I feel like I have my own family. Even if some of the people from my group barely talk to me, every morning, we’ll get together at the same spot, during the same lunch, we’ll always sit at the same table. No matter what conversations we’ll have, in the end, I’ll always end up with a smile. I know much of them wouldn’t give a damn about me, but it’s okay. They don’t have to. We all have our own lives, and well, mine is too dull for them to really make room for me anyways. I don’t know why I’m writing this letter about my friends or group right now. But I guess its cause I’m in one of “those” moods. I guess the whole point of this letter and what I’m trying to say is, despite the fact that I have a dull boring life, when I talk to my friends or hang out with my group at school, I feel complete. I feel normal and accepted. I feel like, I can still have fun. Even if they probably don’t like me much, I can still call them my family. Family. Funny how I call my friends family when I have one waiting for me at home all the time. I guess it’s cause I don’t really feel accepted much from home. I’ve never really opened up to them much anyways. It doesn’t feel fair. It feels wrong. My home is broken. We go and try to communicate with each other after all that’s happened and we try to put on a mask to hide away and not face the truth. These people I live with, I feel as if only one of my parents tries her hardest at everything to keep our family together. But when I look at my dad, I feel as if he could care less. All I really for is see him as authority. Just as the grown up who’d kick my ass if I don’t follow his rules. I guess after all that’s happened, I lost my father figure. I’m scared of my dad. Are you supposed to be scared of your dad? I love my parents. I’m happy to still have a family. But we’re not a healthy family. I know my mom still worries from time to time, and I can see in my brothers eyes how traumatized he is. I hate it when my dad yells at my brother. He only wants to establish authority over him. Sure, my brother can be a pain sometimes and he can be a bit slow with things, but it doesn’t help much to yell and scream at him to pay attention. They were never like this with me. And all my brother wants to do is please them. Or, how he puts it, “a real family”. I’m so sorry… I feel like I should be there for him more. Nobody accepts him. And now that Joey’s gone, he doesn’t really have anyone else in his age group he enjoys more. And I try. I try. At least I hope I’m trying hard enough to be the good big sister he has anyways. Michael’s growing up in the roughest time ever with my parents’ marriage. I really hate how we’re only seven years apart. I wish we were born closer. Damn. Sometimes I feel like I have no voice. Like nobody would give a shit with what I got to say anyways, so why speak. I guess that’s maybe why I never talk. It’s not that I’m shy, it’s because I feel outspoken. I feel that if I talk, then no one would listen, but if I don’t talk, then no one will understand. I keep biting my tongue over and over again. Just holding my breath letting it get louder and louder with the words I never said. I wish I could communicate with my family more. I wish I knew how to communicate. I wish, I wish, I wish, me, me, me, my, my, my, damn. I’m so spoiled. I need to stop worrying about these little subjects inside my head already. Why do I keep worrying about crap like family and stuff? Am I that gullible? Damn kid… I hope you get your shit together… I miss Eva.

February 17, 2014 Monday

If we really think about it, the human species is naturally an emotional one. It isn't just teenagers that have all the stress and emotion inside. Adults have plenty of stress themselves. The thing is, adults just know how to handle it better than we do. They've been through enough emotions in their lives to the point where they can actually take it. Since teenagers and children haven't gone through enough emotion in their lives, in a new situation, they break down. Iwonder what it's like to have that much emotion in your life. Just so much to the point where you want to make yourself bleed. what makes a person do that? Drive them to the point where they feel that their existence is no longer needed... I wonder what drove ME to think like that... Parents? Relationships? The way people look at me? I'm not quite sure. What's the meaning to my existence anyways? Oh right... To change the world. I'm actually pretty serious about it. People may not believe me much, but I will someday... I'm going to change the world. I WILL make this a better place. Just you watch me.

My demons run like stallion unicorns inside my veins.

February 23, 2014 Sunday

All over the world, people are standing up to their Government, while the media talks about celebrity bullshit. It's like, everyone else is waking up while the rest of us are still to blind too understand anything. We live like American Monkeys.   

Do you know how many Revolutions are going on right now? Just so fucking many. It’s not just the Middle East anymore, it’s everywhere else. Many peaceful protests are getting shit on and viewed as riots by the media because of police brutality and government censorship. What the fuck America. And people will get so offended and hurt when other people from different countries talk shit about how controlled we are. They know that their governments are corrupt and they see and understand what needs to be done. And yet HERE WE ARE! Just worrying about celebrity bullshit and Justin Beiber and Miley Cirus, just WHAT THE FUCK DO THEY HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING IN YOUR LIFE!? They are all just puppets being used to keep you looking away from what’s really going on. Can’t they see? Can’t they understand that this is just a false painting of life? That they’re using this fucking bullshit to feed your mind with lies! It’s all so OBVIOUS! Why can’t they see that!?... The eyes are useless when the mind is blind…

You know, I never really thought I could go from a corrupted lying girl to a girl who sees things for what it really is. I look at the crowd that I wanted to be a part of, the music I would listen to, the person I wanted to be, and I realize that I am grateful that I turned out to be this way. That I am something more than just a little girl crying for her dad.