Trippy Panda

John Lennon

“Imagine all the people living life in peace” -John Lennon 

“Anyone can love a rose, but it takes a lot to love a leaf. It’s ordinary to love the beautiful, but it’s beautiful to love the ordinary.” –Unknown

 March 2014

I wonder what it feels like to love a leaf such as myself. I feel as if I love the ordinary, but to me, ordinary IS beautiful. To me, if something is as flawless and beautiful as a rose, the beauty is false. Because every rose has its thorns. Being in love with leaves is all I ever do. Roses are too dangerous for me to get near. That’s why I stay clear… what if … I’m a rose… what if I have just as much of false beauty as a rose.

Nah.

Just a Mouse

As he walked through the halls of the old creaking wooden house looking for her, he could see an eerie white figure stand at the edge of the doorway. It’s small, transparent shape scurried across the floor into the living room. “It’s just a mouse.” He said. And that’s all I was ever known to him… just a mouse.

Opening my eyes, I could feel the thin papers underneath my face rubbing against the hard surface.

Ah shit. I passed out.

I slowly tried to lift my head up as casual as possible from my desk. I should really stop sleeping in class. It’s not going to help my grades at all. Especially with how they are now. I looked around to see if anyone noticed me dose off. No eyes were on me. Good. Let’s keep it that way. When I saw the clock, I had only been asleep for about five minutes. Although I could see on the board that it might have been five hours by the amount of notes that I needed to take. Shit. I’m going to fail.

That’s how he would see me in the hallways, huh? Every time I post a picture, every time I passed by him while walking to class. I was just a mouse… I miss my football boy.

I sat back up straight, and rushed to take my notes.

I was once told, “It’s called football.”

I remember when he was telling me about how much he loved football. He kept explaining to me about his little tricks and how he kicks the ball around. I remember being really confused. You don’t really use your feet much in football, I thought. And that’s when he said to me, “You see, I’m talking about the real football. Okay, I’m not talking about hand-egg. You see, it’s called football, not soccer. Soccer is just something America calls it. In reality, it’s football. I mean, it makes much more sense because you’re using your foot, and an actual ball! But in America, football means using your hand, and an egg, or whatever that is. All around the world, even in the UK, they call it football. America is stupid. I hate it here. It’s another reason why I want to move to the UK. It’s called football, not soccer.”

My football boy. He was always so passionate about everything. Well, everything he wanted to be passionate about. Everything he said always made sense to me. No matter what of. Even in school too. He never had “perfect grades”. Even dropped out of school. The thing is, even when he gave me the reason why he dropped out, it still made a lot of sense. To other people he may seem stupid, but to me, he was so smart. He is smart. So smart, I could never really fool him with anything… but I did.

Such an indecisive girl

April 21, 2014

Okay, well, footballer is talking to me again. Mainly cause he’s with his dad again. Dude, ufffff! He makes me very happy. He says I’m the best thing that has ever happened to him. He’s just like, “You’re so beautiful, I fucking love you. You’re amazing.” Sometimes he can really be an ass, but I care about him, and he’s such a sweet heart. Like, I’m always finding myself smiling every time. Something’s changed with him. Well, not much, but just the kindness and the calmness in his heart. It gives me joy. Dude, I could wait for him for forever.

April 28, 2014

So… there’s this guy. He’s a Beat Boxer. He’s pretty chill yo. But like, dude, I’ve only been talking to him since Wednesday, and now I think I have a crush on him. I think it’s because Beatriz got into my head. Because I told her Thursday that we started talking, and she just looked at me, and was like, “You should date him.” DUDE. You can’t say shit like that to me, because now, I feel like I should give it a try… fuck.

 What happened there?

After a week between those entries, what the fuck happened? In the first entry, I actually remembered the promise we made. The promise that we agreed on later after the break up. The promise that no matter what happens, even if we try to “date” somebody else, we’d still have each other. That one day, we would find a way to be together. I knew how much my footballer meant to me. I was actually still waiting on him… and what happened? Another guy entered. My selfishness happened. My lust took over. I over thought. Overthinking messes you up. I screwed with my own head to the point that I forgot. I forgot that I cared. When she said those words to me, it stung in the front of my mind. I made a mistake. Those thoughts of dating him, should’ve never crossed my mind. Because I was supposed to be a footy girl. Not a beat’s snare.

And yet I was. But apparently, I also wanted the best of both worlds.

I played them

She played them like they did her. She killed them both, slowly torturing their insides. Mind, body, and soul. Crushed into a billion pieces and landing in the depths of eternity. They will never forgive her. To her, it was all just a little game. Just playing with feelings while ruining her own. And because she never used her head when she did, she wasn’t aware of her own doing. Of the moves she was making. Of the game she was playing. Of the whore she was becoming. And it all starts with the Beat. The one who gave her the physical attention that she craved for. He was with her for the feelings of sanity and sanctuary. Unknowingly, she was only there for the cravings of her lust and physical needs. The footballer was a game played slightly different. While the Beat gave her physical attention, the footballer gave her the feeling of being wanted. Of being craved by someone whom she still craves. And then she told the footballer of what happened with her and the beat. He didn’t mind her “dating” the beat. He’d flirt with this indecisive panda anyways. But the footballer never expected the move she made that would kill him for what seems like eternity. And now, he considers himself a fool.

I slept with him.

I slept with the Beat. I thought it’d be because I cared. But it wasn’t. I just had lust. And I told the footballer what I had done. When I told him, oh the look on his face. He had died all over again. It was supposed to be a special moment for only him to share with. I was only supposed to that with him. I had broken our promise. I was supposed to never forget. And yet, I did. Why did I forget? Did I not care enough? Why am I so fucking selfish? It seems as if I can’t do anything right… He stuck with the promise. Day after day, he kept it. Because I was the only light that he ever saw in the dark hole that he was in. I was supposed to be something special. And I fucked it up, I fucked it up so badly! I’ve been such a bitch haven’t I? It’s not just him that I hurt though. Oh, I crushed his heart too. The Beat that can’t even stand to talk to me because I played him as well. He did feel like a fool, but only for a bit, because he saw the wrongness I was doing. The footballer, he’s dwelling. He considers himself such a big fool. I was supposed to be good. That’s the thing though, I was good. Was.

“You were supposed to be different.”

I was different.

“You were supposed to be something good.”

I was good!

“But I guess you’re just the same as all the other bitches.”

I am now.

… I needed a reality check.

I thanked him when he was done yelling at me. I don’t want to be a whore. I don’t want to be like everyone else. I don’t want to hurt anyone else. I need to change. Before it’s too late. I need to straighten myself out and not be the very things I hate the most. I need to be at peace with myself.

I should meditate.

“I have never been played so hard by anyone like that before… I don’t give a shit about you anymore.”

You should keep it that way.