A Famous Affair

A Famous Affair chapter 8

I feel a peculiar sense of relief, having finally admitted to myself my true feelings. As awful as they are, there comes a new found acceptance. However, as I return home, that familiar knotted feeling returns with a vengeance. I know in my heart, things have now gone too far to change anything. Yes, I love Shawn, but I want Jonny, too, a want that is too strong to overcome. Maybe Lydia is right, maybe there was always something missing from my marriage.

I don't want to hurt Shawn. I loathe myself for doing this to him and I can't even begin to understand it all, just yet. I am a selfish bitch who is putting her own feelings over those who are closest to her. I'm not thinking straight, I'm not thinking about the consequences. I'm just doing what feels right, knowing that it's wrong. It is not 'I am doing it for the buzz' or 'the grass is greener.' It is simply, and bluntly, because I cannot walk away from how Jonny makes me feel.

Meeting him has changed everything. I have never felt this way about anyone. I am drawn to him like a moth to a dangerous flame. Together, I feel we can do anything; although, I know we are going straight to fucking hell for what we are doing. Somehow, just being with him makes it all seem worthwhile.

My life has always been so simple, but choosing to take the cheating path, with Jonny, guarantees that my life is going to become a whole lot harder. I never planned for this to happen, it just has. Now I need to try to be strong and do what is in my heart, whatever the consequences.

***

I walk through into the kitchen and Shawn is chopping peppers, courgettes and mushrooms.

"Hey, you're back." he says brightly.

I throw my car keys onto the worktop. "Yes, sorry it took a little longer than I thought it would." My lie sticks like glue inside my throat. I find it hard to swallow down my deceit without drawing attention to myself, so I pick up a pepper and begin to eat it.

"So, what did Lydia want to talk to you about?" asks Shawn.

"Ah, I need to talk to you about that, actually," I stammer.

Shawn rests the knife down, glancing up and turning to face me. "About what?"

"Well, Lydia has asked me to work four days, instead of three," I tell him.

"Right, and what did you say?"

"I said I would speak to you first, but yes...I think I could do four days?" I let my words hang in the air. In the blink of an eye, Shawn's face has gone from being relaxed to tense and strained.

"So, you're not actually speaking to me first, you are telling me?" he replies with anger coursing through his tone of voice. Turning away from me he picks up the knife and angrily continues to chop.

"I'm asking you now, Shawn."

"But you've already told Lydia yes, haven't you?" Shawn accuses me.

"Well, I suppose I did, but I honestly didn't think it would be a problem. Besides, some of the work I can still do from home. It won't always mean me not being here."

"So, why do you want to work more? I don't get it." Shawn angrily asks.

"You know I love my job, I'm very lucky to be one of the few people who really does love what they do. I always thought you'd support that," I reply.

"I do, but you've annoyed me, Jessica, by accepting the offer before running it by me first. I'm only your husband, after all?" he seethes.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise I had to seek permission from you first?" I boil with anger. I disarm my words right back at him.