A Famous Affair

A Famous Affair chapter 25

I am woken by the daylight that peeps through the curtains. The insidious, melancholic feeling I had last night remains with me still. I sit up with just my thoughts for company as Jonny sleeps soundly beside me. I sit there and watch him. He's just too perfect for me. I'm a bad person. I don't deserve happiness and I certainly don't deserve him!

I feel so wretched and restless. The cutting words from Catherine and my feeling unworthy thoughts, linger in my mind. While Shawn's detached and spiritless face, still haunts me. I'm at a complete loss regarding what to do with myself. Jonny begins to stir so I decide to get out of bed. My shitty self-pity doesn't need to keep us both awake!

"Hey you, come here." Jonny's sleepy, loving face is looking at me. He pats the bed with his hand.

"I was going to get up so you can sleep," I softly say.

"I've had some sleep . . . now come here." I lie down beside him. Being so close to him, I can see the bright green flecks, which flicker: almost dance in his hazel eyes. They adoringly look deep into mine. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asks. I shake my head. I can't talk about anything at the moment. It's too hard to talk. "I hate seeing you so down, Jessica." Jonny says, looking tired and distraught.

My pain is causing him pain. I know Jonny feels as though I am shutting him out and I shouldn't be. Maybe if I open up, maybe I will feel better? I let out a laboured, defeated breath. "I knew seeing Shawn was going to be difficult, but he's a broken man, Jonny. He barely looked at me and Catherine . . . well, she was just vile and full of hate. The way she spoke to my Lissy made me want to physically harm her and what angers me the most, is Shawn let her. She's my fucking daughter not hers!" My crippling sadness gives way to overwhelming anger. My nails bite into my tightly clenched palm and my face feels hot with the temper that invades my body.

Jonny reaches for my balled up fist. "I know it's hard, Jessica, but you can't let Catherine get to you. Lissy and Lottie are your daughters and always will be. As upset as she is about us, she has no right to keep talking to you like you are nothing. You will never be a nothing," Jonny calmly states, pulling me into his body. His warm, protective hand rests on my shoulder. I lie with my head on his soft, masculine chest. My head rises and falls with his every breath. "What exactly happened when you saw the girls?" he asks gently.

"I saw Lissy first, she walked down the stairs as her Nan was throwing insults my way. I could tell she wanted to see me, but it's like Catherine has complete control over my family now. Shawn is letting her because he has no fight left in him. I have destroyed all that he ever was." Once again, his despairing face is all I see. It's a memory I can't seem to erase.

Jonny cups my face so I am looking at him. "We destroyed all that he ever was. I'm involved in this too, remember? You have to stop shouldering the blame all of the time, Jessica. Shawn is in a bad place and both of us have to live with that. He is obviously still hurting and needs more time, but if you think Lissy wants to see you that's a good thing, isn't it?" Jonny now holds my chin with his finger, a tender smile on his lips.

"I suppose," I let out a sigh, but continue, "When I walked away after having the door shut in my face, I looked up at the bedroom window and saw both Lissy and Lottie standing there . . . Lottie even waved."

Jonny kisses the top of my head, gripping my shoulder even tighter. "There you go then, that's a good sign."

"They looked so confused and sad, Jonny. It broke my heart seeing them like that." Once again, tears fill my eyes as a painful lump in my throat starts to choke me.

"It's okay, darling. Everything will be okay." Jonny does his best to comfort me.

As soothing as his words are, they are unable to reach me. "It's not though, is it?" My tears fall heavily onto the sheet covering Jonny's stomach. He sits up and hugs me tightly into him, rocking me to and fro; trying to console me with all that he is and all that he has to give.