The Lightning Awards [FINALIZED]

[Entries] Chi Chi Chi

Entry #1

Username: twins101

Title: IE zombocolypse

Review by ArimaMary

Summary: 

A zombie apocalypse plus inazuma eleven? Well, this could get interesting..

> Title (4/5): It gives a sense of what the story is about, though it's doesn't rolls off the tongue (zombocalypse should be the correct spelling(?) It actually does exist, the word), thus hard to remember. With the main three elements being the Inazuma Eleven series, zombies and an apocalypse it may be hard to find a unique name with all the zombie stories out there. For example, even a title as simple as "Gakkou Gurashi" aka. Living at School (an anime with a similar setting) is relevant to the plot, so I advise you thrown any preconceptions about titles for zombie stories behind. I also recommend this anime if you feel stuck or just to look for ideas. (Because you gave an explanation the score is a little higher. But I still think it's hard to remember lol)

> Summary (5/10): As a reader, it took quite some time for me to start reading it. Primarily because there was so little information. Well, in an apocalyptic setting it's not easy to pinpoint a clear objective other than survival (getting supplies, find water, etc). Here I present the summary of Gakkou Gurashi(from myanimelist):

"Yuki Takeya loves her school so much that she does not want to ever leave! Megurigaoka Private High School is a unique and lively place where Yuki enjoys her carefree life as a third-year high school student and a member of the School Living Club. The club, consisting of the president Yuuri Wakasa, the athletic Kurumi Ebisuzawa, the mature junior Miki Naoki, the supervising teacher Megumi Sakura, and the club dog Taroumaru, prides itself on making the most of life at school. However, this illusion of endless bliss is just a bubble waiting to be burst because Yuki is unable to perceive what is truly happening around her. In reality, all is not as it seems—the real purpose of the School Living Club is to escape from the shocking and disturbing truth: the girls are in the middle of a zombie apocalypse and have barricaded themselves inside the school as the sole survivors."

By analyzing this, you can learn a thing or two. Make it as cool and dramatic as possible.

> Plot (18/25): What I believe a good zombie-apocalypse story should have is a continuous sense of dread and anxiety, like an animal breathing on your neck. Unexpected developments are important too, and in a delicate situation like that one, it's a thin line between living and dying. And you managed to give this tone (those abandoned hospitals are the creepiest places), so if the selling point is not the plot then another it could be the strongest element I found, the drama (between characters) and the constant anxiety of survival. Even if it's an emotional fic, it would be desirable to have short-term goals, and you do (that's why I find it hard to grade this). To clarify, I'm giving you this score because some goals are vague, like running away, and because you can easily get absorbed into the story, it's hard maintaining a clear image of said goal(s) XD.

> Characterization (13/20): With so many characters, it's not surprising having a hard time keeping track of them. For example, who was where and with whom? Though I like you gave protagonist to many underrated characters (even Arata appeared omg), having too many backfired in the long-term. And with this huge cast, development is tricky. No wonder I couldn't find a trace of their canon personality. I recommend you explain this­—at least if it was intentional or not—in an author's note or in the story (Contrary to Hearts, it doesn't say it's an AU). I don't mind OOCness, really, but this way the characters seem bland (read Feels Factor rubric for more advice).

> Grammar and Writing Style (10/15): With most of the grammar and spelling down, what needs improvement it's the style. The issue I found was that word choice was rather vague. Some sentences were far too long and getting a clear image was a challenge (referring mostly to the 1st half). Literary devices would help a lot, and as I see this is a WIP I hope you take this advice to heart, at least. You should make a new line whenever another speaker comes too, please do so! In the early writing, I noticed comma splices but it's not cringe-worthy that it slows down the read (by the latest chapters this is resolved). On another note, about the transitions (storytelling-wise), I've noticed you used it one or two times every few chapters. Instead of the dots, I recommend you could use transition words like "Back to..." then go on with the story—it causes loss of string of the story, and there is no explanation of the new setting which adds to the confusion, even if it's related to what was exposed at the beginning of the chapter. In other words, if you're going back and forth between POV's use transitional words. This hasn't—and I believe I'm judging you harshly—took many points away from the score, but I had to write good feedback. The story pushes you to read on to know what happens to the characters and the drama is well-achieved (I'm a fan of your work so I want you to improve J).

> Originality (8/10): I considered the creativity of the setting, plot, character roles. It's an entertaining read, but it doesn't add much to the genre, maybe to the fandom, I'm not sure. Points for making Tsunami the leader of the groups and the new character roles. (I'm surprised you wrote Kurimitsu and Toramoru for more than 10 chapters XD). You can think up new types of zombies, like the one in the first half (wouldn't like to see that irl ever!) And new developments, like adding mystery.

> Feels Factor (11/15): The style was more telling than showing at the beginning until things started to get serious (Chapter 13 onwards). I bring up word choice again, and literary devices (this fic should be all about feels lol). I may be being cruel here, but if you cut the cast by half, the surviving characters will have more chances to be developed. Just a suggestion. It's hard to get attached to so many characters and having to keep track of all of them is stressful for the reader. On the bright side, the story did manage to rip my heart in pieces when it should have. Even if the death flags rise all over the place for a character, like at the beginning, the pain of the characters and reader should be just as strong.

Now I have a feeling I ripped your heart into pieces lol. I think I expect a lot from this story.

Final score: 69/100