The Lightning Awards [FINALIZED]

[Entries] Nosebleed

The following entries correspond to the former category of Nosebleed.

If you have any complaints or comments about your critique, feel free to comment or PM the author of the review. 

Entry #1 [review by orangecatfish]

Username: twins101

Title: Hearts

Summary: What happens when you mix inazuma eleven, a slice of life , LOVE, and secrets and lies?

This is a story about some of the characters from inazuma eleven later in life and the trials and tribulations they face in their relationships.

This book contains yaoi so if you don't like then don't read okay?

Score:

>Title 5/5: Hearts is a cute title. It captures the sense of romance while also matching the summary and being vague about the plot.

>Summary 3/10: To be frank, it's not very interesting. There are also some issues with capitalization of "Inazuma Eleven" and the commas, some of which are not where they should be. It reveals nothing about the plot or even the characters, and just doesn't really catch attention. The summary also implies that it's a future fic, but the story doesn't incorporate or borrow any elements from canon.

>Plot 16/25: It switches to different storylines every chapter, and the storylines don't really seem to contribute anything to one another which makes keeping track of things and staying focused hard. In essence, it feels more like a set of oneshots and their sequels than a concrete story. Dramatic events occur with little to no warning and since there's no buildup, the plot points feels forced and don't have any real tension. The plot is predictable and and doesn't feel original. Bonus points for writing about heavy issues (homophobia, addiction, etc.) in a fairly realistic way.

>Characterization 11/20: Characterization was bland and all the characters sounded like clones of each other. This got better as the story progressed, but in the beginning, I genuinely could not tell which character was doing what unless names were specified. There are so many characters brought in with little to no introduction at random times and then dropped nearly immediately that it gets confusing after a point. This did improve after a point where each character acted consistently within the story, if not consistent with canon.

>Grammar and Writing Style 11/15: There are a few issues with capitalization and grammar and a few spelling mistakes that could be easily caught just by proofreading. Starting a new paragraph every time the speaker changes would make reading the story easier to follow. The changes in point of view are difficult to notice, and there's really nothing differing each point of view from the other since they all sound very similar to each other. The writing style, especially in the beginning, felt very much like it was telling instead of showing. These issues, aside from starting a new paragraph when the speaker changes, mostly resolve themselves by the middle of the story.

>Originality 4/10: The plot points all sound overused, as if they were lifted from a generic soap opera, and there's really nothing unique about the story. It makes for a decent read, but it's not really something you would read for stunning plot twists or delicate characterization.

>Feels Factor 10/15: A lot of events happened without any buildup or tension to make me really care about what was happening, but the situations themselves were sometimes messed up enough or dark enough to induce feeling just by association. The fluff was cute when it was cute, but the angst was more hit or miss since angst is tricky to get it right.

>Other Comments: Did all the characters suddenly move together to a western/English-speaking country without any warning? A huge portion of unimportant side characters have English names which would be out of place in Japan, where IE, and supposedly this story considering the sub names, is set. To be honest, it doesn't feel like it's using the same characters as canon at all. It reads better as an original story, since canon situations and personalities seem to barely apply at all. Overall, the story improved a lot as it went on, and the majority of my issues are with the earlier chapters.

> TOTAL SCORE: 60/100 ->>> 60% ->>> D