The Lightning Awards [FINALIZED]

[Entries] I'm Not A Mary Sue

If you have any questions or complaints about how I graded your writing, comment below and we will clear up whatever misunderstanding that whichever one of us has had. Just remember to tag my username, SoarLikeTheWind , so that I can get back to you through my private account.

I am open for the option of wanting your critique to be removed to a private setting, although your grade and basic entry info (username-summary) will still be public. 

Yes I do change scores if I end up thinking that a certain entry deserves more points. Reasons behind those could be that I discover the fact that the author is an amateur and does not want their story to be judged so hard, or that I messed up because I did not do my research (which actually happened to an entry). No scores will be changed if I have not been contacted through the comment section below.

My given scores will always be fair, even though I may state what I disliked about the story. On the same note, just because I like your story does not mean that I will be extra generous on points. I will state again, and swear on the OTP (GenSaku) I've pledged upon, that all the number scores that I give are fair.

-C.C. Lyn

Entry #1

Username: HolyEmpressKira

Title: His Servant [AU] (#Wattys2016)

Summary: 

"Nice to meet you, Riye." He extended his hand as a sign of offering his friendship, "I am..."

"Everybody knows who you are. You're the prince of inazuma kingdom." She replied with a grin while taking his extended hand in her's. In that moment, a friendship was struck between two kids, innocent to the differences between them, and their destinies.

Will they manage to keep their friendship against all odds and will this turn into something more?

[Gouenji X OC][AU]

>Title: [4/5] I like it, but "His Servant" makes me imagine something rated M, rather than a knight. Other than that, I think it's good.

>Summary: [6/10] This time, however, I don't appreciate the question at the end. It makes the summary sound amateur, and would've been better without. I have nothing against the rest, as I can easily tell it's an excerpt from the actual book. There are a few grammar mistakes which could be easily fixed by capitalizing "Inazuma Kingdom" and removing the apostrophe from "her's".

>Plot: [14/25] Sorry, but the plot here seemed to have literally no meaning. There's no rise, no fall, just things happening. It's too monotone. The dance scene was also too Cinderella-y. Without anything negative, there can't be any positive advances. I understand that the plot is just starting out, but you still need to build up to the future climax.

>Characterization: [15/20] It's a lot better here too, since we actually get a personality for the OC. Gouenji was again off, when he showed how worried he was for Riye. For a professional person like Gouenji, it seems unlikely that he'd act out of his place in times of business. He was also off in quite a lot of other places in this book. I'd give Gouenji an eight and Riye a seven.

>Grammar and Writing Style: [8/15] I don't need to repeat myself from the other critique, but I'm glad that you fixed some of the problems. For one, you have spaces after commas now! Your sentences are also a little more varying, although still not much. It's a lot better though.