The Lightning Awards [FINALIZED]

[Entries] Don't Judge the Character by Its Canon

Review by: animatix07

I am not an official judge in The Lightning Awards but I was requested by the TLA chief ArimaMary to review an OOC centered book. I apologize if there's misunderstandings that affected my criticism. Please contact me through my main account, animatix07 and let's talk it through. Though I tried my best not to be too subjective (because I believe all of us had inserted subjectivity whether we knew it or not), and I apologize further if you think the deductions were too much, but I may not consider giving more points if that's the case.

~ Dawn ;)

Entry #1

Username: SoarLikeTheWind

Title: Absolute Loyalty {A Shimozuru Arata f.f.}

Summary:

Patriot noun | pa·tri·ot |ˈpā-trē-ət : a person who loves and strongly supports or fights for his or her country C.C. Lyn © 2016

Title (4/5): The title fits with the whole theme of the story, where Arata shows his loyalty for his school and teammates. I took one point out because it seemed quite generalized (at some point) and not very catching that it's somehow off in the tongue. Since the word you are emphasizing here is "patriot" (from Arata's Patriot Shoot), it might've been more catchy if you included "Patriot" in the title.

Summary (5/10): There is actually no summary, just the meaning of word "Patriot". Although I couldn't really take all points, because you've introduced the story by defining your main theme.

Plot (20/25): This is a one shot/short story, where there is only one setting and one goal. Looking closely at your plot, it's just a short-term event, but you managed to lengthen it to be not too short and not too long. I give you my praise :) But I deducted five points because there are things that had bugged me. "I have sworn absolute loyalty." "I pledged myself to my country, my school, my people." "I am willing to serve with my life." "I am doing this all by free will." "I am proud to call myself a patriot, to serve my people." "I am happy to be a patriot." These lines make a good reading motivation, and making the short story a whole lot interesting where it directs to the main theme. But there seemed to be a conflict of feelings between those lines and Arata's during the training. Like, he had to do it or he'll get kicked out of the team. A narcissistic kind of thinking. Of course, everyone would probably feel that pressure and think of themselves in a tight situation, but the very first line had stated that "I have sworn absolute loyalty." Absolute Loyalty, where one is loyal to something without thinking of himself. Absolute. And the last part didn't seem to show that Arata really was happy being a patriot. The story ended with a fail of the desired target.

Characterization (18/20): Arata was well portrayed with his "new" personality. Actually, it was kind of like the "unseen" personality of Arata that was not explicitly showed in the series, which is cool. The two points deduction is for the personality conflict though. Though Arata was great. A great patriot ;)

Grammar and Writing Style (14/15): Your writing style doesn't have any problems. You know how not to make things sound so extravagant or too informal. I sense balance in your writing style, which can give readers a fluent reading experience. The grammar has no problems, except some unnoticeable typos along the way. Overall, it's great.

Originality (10/10): Among the fanfics in the IE fandom, [I'm sure] no one had thought of making a one-shot about a character's struggle inside the field that only cared about passing that assignment of getting about 97 point something percent to pass, and ended with a fail. Although a lot had written about characters inside the field, I find it not a problem since this is fanfiction. Absolute No Problem in your originality ;)

Feels Factor (13/15): The way you write has a way of making your readers feel tension and struggle Arata has conveyed. I feel like I need to shoot that ball 100% too, if possible. But the conflicting bolded lines kind of ruined the flow of that, it's where I deducted two points.

Character Rubric for OOC Character:

Precision (5/5): Although Arata wasn't much in the series to let us know a lot about him, similar characteristics were shown during the last part of the match between Arata's team and Raimon. They wanted to win, do all their best even if he ended up clashing with Gouenji and injured his leg. It's actually quite accurate than precise.

Correspondence (5/5): It was realistic and understandable that Arata felt pressured while trying to pass that assignment, even though he acted like a robot during his first appearance in the series. Arata had shown loyalty to his team in the series as well (when they decided to "fight 'till the end" against Raimon without those computers telling them what to do), and you haven't lost that touch in Arata's personality. A great possibility that the exact thing happened before the Mikage Sennou team even gathered up.

Portrayal and Consistency (6/7): You had portrayed Arata well in your writing style. A perfect score of 4 for the portrayal and 2 out of 3 points for the consistency--the conflict of Arata's feelings I've stated above.

Appearance (1/3): Arata's appearance was never mentioned in the story except how his uniform stuck to his sweat-soaked skin.

Dialogue: (5/5): There was no dialogue, but I find that it didn't have to. Sugimori was in his best personality too even if he only said a two-word short command. "Be confident." I sensed the real Sugimori there.

Total Score: 85/100