My Totally Normal Life

Chapter Nine - We Need a Way to Kill Archer McHottie

* We Need a Way to Kill Archer McHottie * 

"We need a way to kill Archer McHottie," I announced to my best friend and most obedient servant, Random. We had come home from school and she was at my place, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling.

She was totally cool with my career as an assassin. I mean, a girl has to have a job, right?

"You're the ultra cool assassin, you tell me," she muttered. Sometimes I think she's really jealous of me, which is pretty understandable.

"I know," I said impatiently. "But this job is difficult, I need some extra opinions."

"The real question is, why would your mysterious boss ask you to kill Archer McHottie?"

"I dunno," I said. "Who cares. I need the cash to buy my designer clothes."

She gave me an incredulous look. "Then why are you wearing brown sacks?"

"Because I have to give everyone the impression that I'm a nerd with no life."

"Whatever. Well, he is your next door neighbour," she prompted and I slapped my forehead. Of course! He literally lived right next door to my house. All I would have to do was sneak in and hold his head under a pillow until he died or something, then the money would be mine.

"Perfect! I'm such a genius!"

"Whatever." Random rolled her eyes.

I pouted as I remembered something. "Dammit. I lost my best knife throwing it at Simon Cowell! Now I'll have to kill him with my second favourite knife. The struggles!"

"Struggles," Random echoed.

"Ugh. So are we going to do it at night or what? That's way more dramatic, yeah?"

"Wait, wait, wait..." Random sat up, blinking at me. "Did you just say 'we'? Are you expecting me to come? I've got to go home in like, fifteen minutes because my Mum is furious at me for getting detention for punching Caterina in the face."

"Caterina?" I demanded. "Who's that?"

She gave me a curious look. "You know, Archer McHottie's girlfriend?"

"That bitch fiend slut," I cursed. "She doesn't even deserve a name. Just call her bitch girl, that's what I do."

"Okay..."

"Well. It was your fault for punching her in the face, I mean, who does that? Totally savage."

Random sighed. "Whatever, Mary." She stood up. "I'm leaving."

"What?" I exclaimed, following her as she opened the door to my room.

She turned to me in exasperation. "Mary. Unlike you, my parents actually exist in this shitty novel. Shock horror. I told you. My Mum is already going to kill me."

"Whatever." I had lost interest already. Random walked out of my room, but I didn't bother telling her goodbye. It's not like she had feelings or anything.

I was going to kill Archer McHottie, and if my servant wasn't going to be involved, then totally... whatever. She was missing out. This was going to be an epic murder, complete with dramatic 'I love you's' snot, tears, and lots of blood. Then I just remembered what Random had said.

I sprinted to the door and threw it open. Down the stairs, Random was smiling politely at my Mum, saying goodbye to her, and being escorted out of the door.

"Did you just call my novel shitty?" I screamed after her. 

Authors Note - What do you guys think of Random? More than she's letting on? Mm? Whats gonna happen next? Will Mary finally succeed? *Tensions rises* Lol. Don't forget to vote and comment! (Thanks for 400 reads!) 

Dedicated to @Flamestar00 for... I dunno. Coz she asked? (Kidding, love ya sis)