The Taboo Topics

Her Choice was Dangerous

Ariana Redden stood in front of the mirror, knife in hand, in all of her naked glory. She looked at herself, smiling sinisterly. She wasn't crazy, she was finished. She'd made her choice. Her choice was dangerous; she had to forgo all other possibilities when she chose.

She looked at the door, the raps and shouts behind them were heart breaking. It almost made her want to change her mind. To change her choice. But she couldn't. It was too late now.

"ARIANA, YOU COME OUT THIS INSTANT!" roared her older sister Pippa, who went to a prestigious boarding school down the road. How she'd managed to get home highly intrigued her. She usually wasn't one for rule-breaking; that was Elizabeth's job. If only Pip was there when it happened. Things could've been different. If Pip had forced her into telling her what was wrong once. Just once, maybe she wouldn't be doing this. But she didn't talk to her about it. She didn't even know.

"Please Ari, please..." whispered her cousin Elizabeth, whose own shouts had soon failed and turned into whispers, whispers that cut through her like a cold blunt knife. It was Liz that had noticed she was missing first. Well, Ariana wasn't missing, she just wasn't there. Ariana never was really there these days.

Ariana wanted so much to blame her family for taking this decision. Because they didn't ask her how her day went, or why she seems pale, why she was so skinny, or why she isn't talking. But it wasn't their fault. She couldn't tell them, it was far too difficult and agonizing to relive that. It was too shameful.

Ariana couldn't take it anymore. She knelt down to the floor and curled up into a ball, inhaling and exhaling deeply. "You have to do this Ariana, you have to do this..." she whispered soothingly to herself. She looked up from her knees again into the mirror.

Black dripped from her eyes, smudged in all directions, the mascara running. Why she even bothered to put it on puzzled her. It was just routine she followed to make things normal, to show herself that everything will be all right. That she would play goalie on the local hockey team like she used to. That she would go to to the mall and meet up with her friends for a cafe style espresso. That she would wear clothing that showed any bit of flesh. That she would pull pranks on the family with her uncle.

But it wouldn't be all right. It wouldn't. Ever. She could never take back what had happened, what he had done to her that awful night.

Why had she been so naive? Why couldn't she see the lies behind the compliments he gave her, the casual touches he placed on her filled with lust not love? How she didn't stop him when he did it, how she didn't yell and scream as his hands went through her skin, roaming her body, torturing it. Why didn't she tell someone, when the silkily strokes on the first night became nails piercing her body like claws on the fourth? She had had so many choices, but now she had only one.

She was standing up again, as she continued to examine her body. Bruises coated her thighs, her neck covered with scars. The light kisses that made her face light up became raw bites, the inner girl destroyed in her forever. Ariana looked at herself, sick and disgusted. She remembered the days when she laughed and joked, and then he came and showered her with love a fifteen year old wanted, but never got. Every part of her had some of him on it, and no matter how much she scrubbed and bathed the filth remained on her. That was what she was right? A shameful piece of filth.

She looked at the door again, new voices were shouting, and crying.

"Ariana! Please open the door!" she heard her mother say. Amusement was all she felt when it came to mind that it has barely been minutes and her siblings had managed to contact her parents so quickly. She guessed Pip had ran and gotten her when she didn't open the door the first couple of times.

Pip was still shouting, though Ariana could sense her voice cracking. Her shouts soon became whispers just like Liz's did too. Ariana was yet to hear from her father, and as if they had read her mind, she heard her

fathers voice through the panic behind the door.

"Ariana," came her father's voice, unusually calm. The calm for some reason shook her even more. "Love, we can talk. Please open the door? we love you very much."

And in that moment, her hand gave a quick spasm directed to the door. She was going to open it. But then she shook her head and spoke for the first time through the door, "Don't love me. I don't deserve it. I'm filthy," she spat.

"No, Ari Cat, no!" she heard her dad say. She smiled at that nickname. Ari Cat. But Ari Cat was a different person, not her. Ari Cat was a fun, bubbly person who remained untouched and innocent. And the girl who stood in the mirror was anything but that.

"What does she mean by she's filthy honey?" came Ariana's mother's voice which was shaking. Her mum had never been... Then why had Ariana been...

It was just then she remembered the knife she held in her hand. She let it clatter to the ground.

"Ariana Juliette Redden! You listen to me right now!" she heard her namesakes voice say, which wasn't light and airy like usual but cold and rasp. "You will come out!"

"I can't Auntie, I have to do this. It's the only way."

She could hear her mum's uncontrollable sobs that joined Liz's. Ariana could imagine Liz crying into her fathers arms as mum continued to plead, "Please dear, do something, do something..."

"Fuck, Ariana! Do you hear mum out here! At least come out for her!" yelled Pip, who kicked at the door in vain.

It tortured her so much to listen to her vulnerable family, but she had to go through this.

"Bye Lizzie, Auntie, Pip, Mum. Bye," she started. "Bye Dad," she continued, her voice breaking.

"NO! NO! NO!" screamed mum who had seemed to find her voice.

"I'm really missing my uncle right now. And Grandad, Grandma, say bye to them for me," she said to the crowd behind the door.

Then all went really quiet as Ariana listened to their heavy breathing. They were so alive, while she was on her way to seize being alive.

But she'd made her choice. Her choice was dangerous; she had to forgo all other possibilities when she chose. And this is what she chose.

"Bye," she said once more softly as she picked up the knife.

And then it all went black.