Flames of Fires Fade

Fine (Slam Poem)

Hi I'm Sara.

I'm giving you a smile so you'll think I'm happy and welcoming.

I'm giving you a smile so you'll think I'm pretty and nice.

I'm giving you a smile so you won't know how I really feel.

Nice to meet you and I extend my arm with the force to take on the world.

So that you'll grab my hand and feel my inner strength and my burning passion.

So that you assume I'm capable and fearless because a firm handshake shows you that I'm ready to do business.

And I give you a determining gaze so you feel that I'm prepared and diligent.

And after we get through the formalities and three ups and downs you ask me how my day was because it's a courteous thing to do.

I blink a few times because I know how I'm supposed to answer.

Fine.

Then I smile again and ask you about yours.

But somehow I struggled finding the words to say.

I chocked on the thought of uttering anything at all.

But I had to because I need them to know that I'm alright.

I need them to know that I'm okay.

I need them to know that I can do this.

I need them to know that I'm fine.

I'm FINE.

I'm fine as I get out of bed in the morning struggling to find a sense of worth in the sun shining on another worthless day.

I'm fine as I check my messages on my phone and see that nobody here cares enough about me anyways.

I'm fine as I try to move my aching limbs from my side to put clothes on my pale and worn-out body.

I'm fine as I have trouble finding the urge to eat anything because even if I ate I never have enough energy in my body to pretend I'm okay.

I'm fine as I look in the mirror and stare at the reflection of someone who has given up hope of ever finding a happy ending.

I'm fine as I go upstairs to my bed because I don't have the will to fight to go outside and put on another mask on my face.

I'm fine as I lay down and cry into my pillow wondering why I feel so god damn miserable every single day.

I'm fine as I struggle to breathe because of the weight of my emotions shackles me to the floor so my chest can no longer move.

I'm fine as I see myself slipping into a sleepless night where darkness pulls me into its embrace and bids me farewell.

I'm fine.

I look up and smile, I'm fine.

FINE.

Fearful because I'm surrounded by people but constantly feel helpless and alone.

Incapacitated by shear anxiety of change besides the increasing number of scars on my body.

Nervous because nobody seems to understand what I'm going through and why I just can't be happy all the time.

Envious at all the people passing by who actually have a genuine smile on their face instead of the fake grin I show to make it seem like.

I'm fine.

While the voices in my head tell me I'm not.

And every alarm in my body is telling me to call for help.

Screaming for someone to find me in this depthless pit.

While I cling on to the last shred of hope.

Tired from holding on far too long.

Bleeding from the broken promises and empty wishes.

Dying slowly from all the poisonous thoughts I put into my own head.

Yet I say I'm fine.

And I'll give you a smile.

So you can see I had a wonderful day.

And I'll ask you how yours was because that's the courteous thing to do.

Then we part ways as if nothing happened.

And as I walk away I whisper the deadliest truth of all.

That I am not fine, that I never was.