imperishable

††

dear damien,

today you asked me out on a date, but i told you that i didn't feel well and that i would rather stay at home. i felt so bad for rejecting you. i could see the pain in you eyes because you knew it was a lie, you knew that i wasn't feeling sick and only then did i realize how much you love me. you could just see right through the simplest lies and i knew that it was going to be very hard to push you away without breaking your heart.

right now i am sitting in the living room, on the sofa in front of the tv. this shitty show is on and it really bores me, but i know that you don't like it, too. you are just turning it on because of the sound. i have to admit, the music in the background is relaxing and the voice of the woman is smooth and gentle and it calms me down a bit. i think i understand what you mean now.

this morning, when we laid next to each other in our bed, you asked me if i was seeing someone else, because i was so distant from you and i could see the pain in your eyes. again. but you are right, i am distant. i know it for a week now, that i have cancer, and i am spending much time in the park, watching the little kids playing and laughing together, living their lives. i wish i could do that, too. i wish i wouldn't have to worry about you getting hurt, but i think no matter how hard i will try, you will get hurt one way or another.

if not by me, then by someone else. because someday you will move on and find someone else and maybe, just maybe they will hurt you. they will do what i tried so hard not to do.

we are not talking much anymore and i miss you so much, even though you are sleeping next to me every night, you are not with me anymore. or should i say, i am not with you anymore? i know you don't understand what has gotten into me but i hope, one day you will.

i promise you that it hurts me just as much as it hurts you, maybe even more because i know that i am lying to you and to myself and you don't. but then again, it may be harder for you because you think i don't love you anymore.

i don't want to lose you, but i started this and i know that it is better than you being sad after my death forever. i want you to be happy, damien. i love you and i care for you, more than for anybody else. i already gave up my hopes of fighting against my cancer, because the doctor said, it is pointless. she said, as soon as i am feeling too weak to open my eyes in the morning, i know that i will die soon. and that frightens me, more than anything, damien. what if one morning, i can't open my eyes anymore and i know that i don't have more than a week left? what am i supposed to do then?

you won't be able to kiss away my fears, because i hope by then you already left me. well, you know i don't hope for it, but i know it's best.

sometimes i can feel my weaknes and i just want to tell you and want you to comfort me, to tell me that i won't die, but then i remember how hard it will be for you after i am gone and then i know that i can't do this. i can't tell you.

it's hard to write this letter, you know? i have way to many tears in my eyes and on my face and i can't really see anymore. i'm sorry if you are not able to read this but i really tried my best to write beautifully. but it's hard when your whole body is shaking with sobs.

i promise that i will love you forever. please believe me. please believe that i never stopped loving you.

i love you, damien.

do you believe me?

please - cassy