imperishable

♡♡

today, when i came home from jogging, i found you lying on the couch, reading a book while the tv was on. as always. there was actually nothing special about this day. but deep down i knew something was wrong. i thought of sitting down next to you, but that would show to much affection and i couldn't do that to me. nor to me.

so i just walked by, said hi and tried to look at your face. but you were turned away from me, facing your book and you did not even say hello to me. that day, when i came home, i knew i had lost you. i should have been happy for you, i should have let you go, but when i sat down in the kitchen and drank my coffee, i heard you breathing in the other room and i couldn't stand the thought of you being anyone else's.

i knew you weren't seeing someone else, you were always at home, but you would be, after my death. i know it is very selfish of me to think that you would miss me forever and never get together with another woman or even another man. i hate myself for it, i really do, but i stood up, placed the empty cup inside the full sink and walked back into the living room, where you were still lying.

i wanted to wrap my arms around you so badly, just to feel your heart against my chest, just to feel your breath against my skin, just to feel you relaxing because if my touch. but i couldn't. instead, i just stood in the doorway, watching your chest raise and fall. i couldn't tear my eyes away from you because i knew i would not see you forever.

maybe if you had known that you would not be able to look at me forever, you would have stared at me the whole time. maybe. hopefully. but you didn't, so you ignored me.

"damien?" i asked, when you hadn't turned one page after twenty minutes. i heard you sigh and knew you had just pretended to be reading to not have to talk to me. i was so sad about that, that i couldn't talk for a moment, my eyes welling up with tears. but after i realised that this should be good, i oulled myself together and walked over to you.

"i am going to sleep, okay?" i told you and finally, you took down the book and looked me into the eyes. but your eyes weren't alive, weren't bright with happiness and love like the usually were, they were dead. they were just plain brown, without any sign of life in it.

i didn't recongnise your face. you looked so thin and the death of your eyes changed your whole expression from cute to emotionless. what happened to you? did i do that?

i thought of telling you for a moment, but i knew you wouldn't believe me anymore, i was not trustworthy anymore. i guess you think i cheated on you. but you should know that i would never do that.

i don't want to know how i made you feel, really. i hate myself so so much. if i were you, i would have never made it out alive. you've gone through so much. you believed i didn't love you anymore. i wouldn't know what to do if i knew you wouldn't love me anymore. maybe, i would even kill myself. i can't live without you, damien.

i can't.

i don't know what you will do after my death, maybe you will hate me even more for not telling you, maybe you will be glad, because i won't be a burden to you anymore.

was i a burden to you? please be honest to yourself, damien. if you ever fall for someone else, admit it to yourself and enjoy the time you have with that person. don't think love is dangerous, don't believe that you will never find the one, damien, because i know you will.

someone is waiting for you, waiting to finally embrace you in their arms, you just have to move on.

i know it's easier said than done, but please, fall in love again. be happy. enjoy your life, because i know how much the time you have is worth,

but damien, i want you to know, that i already found the one. you are the one, you are my only one. you were mine and i were yours and i wouldn't have went to that damn doctor because of my permanent headaches, i would have never known that i would die and i would have enjoyed my time with you.

but your heart would have been broken and i couldn't risk that, damien, because a broken heart can not be fixed, it can only be glued together by love.

but if you shatter a glass to peaces and glue them back together, it will never be the same anymore. you will always see that it was once broken and it's the same with hearts, you know?

i love you, damien.

let someone fix you - cassie