imperishable

▽▽

dear damien,

i always thought you were the strong one in our relationship. guess i was wrong. i see how broken you are and get reminded that i have done that to you.

but maybe you are the strong one, because i am just as broken as you. then again, you have to be stronger, because well, i know that you still loved me, or at least have loved me until now and you think that i have stopped loving you just like that.

i hope you know that that's not true, damien. i could never just stop loving you, even now that you don't love me back anymore. no one could, really. you are an amazing guy.

yes, i know now that you are the strong one. how could i ever think you are not? i mean, if i was in your position, i would have already died just from the pain inside of me and if not, then i would have killed myself. i'm sorry to say that, damien, but it's true.

i asked you today if you wanted me to move out and you don't know how relieved i was when you said no. i know i should not be, because that means you are not over me yet, but i can't help but be happy about that. i love you so much.

i wish you would never stop loving me, but that would hurt you too much. i will take all the pain on me if it means you are happy. i would go through hell, even without you, if you could find a way to be happy again, to find your own paradise again.

with someone else. with someone better. with someone who has heart, because it seems to me like i don't. if i had, i wouldn't do this to you. would i? my mind is a mess, damien. i'm sorry if i'm rambling right now.

i kind of hope it won't take much longer to kill me. the cancer, i mean. because then, this will be finally over and you can move on. maybe you will understand. maybe not.

please, damien. please understand that i was only doing this to do you good. i only wanted to save you, to save your heart from being broken.

have i made it?

i don't think i have, because everytime i look into your eyes, they are dead. empty.

how could i do this to you. i hate myself damien. you don't know how much i hate myself. i wish you would tell me to leave the apartment, because then it would be easier for me to die. i would know that you didn't want me anymore and i could rest in peace. do you want me to rest in peace? or do you wish me the worst?

will you come to my funeral? i kind of hope you will, but then again... i hope you have moved on by then already. i am such a bad person, damien, because i don't. i hope you will never move on and i hate myself so fricking much because of that.

please, damien, move on! don't listen to me, it doesn't matter what i hope. move on and love someone else and be happy with them.

please, damien. please - cassie