imperishable

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dear damien,

i wish it wasn't so damn hard to not stare at you while you're changing or it wouldn't be so damn hard to not watch you while you are sitting on the couch, reading and listening to the tv. i wish it wouldn't be so damn hard not to love you, damien. i don't ever think i can stop. i mean, i don't have to. you'll have to.

i can't stop crying anymore. and i know you hear me. i wish you would still love me. i hate myself for wishing that, but i do, damien. i love you. i love you, i love you, i love you.

i wish you would take me in your arms and kiss the pain inside of me away. damien, it hurts so much. i don't know if it's the cancer or if it's my heart, but i can't do this anymore.

well, it won't be much suffering anymore. every second feels like a million years, though.

i know it's coming closer. the death, i mean. i am getting weaker and weaker by the day. i don't want to die, damien. i had so many plans for the future. with you. only you. did you know i was waiting for you to propose? i know this sounds so silly, damien. i know it does. maybe you weren't even close to proposing to me, maybe you weren't even thinking of that. oh, i'm such an idiot.

i love you.

i love you.

I LOVE YOU, DAMIEN.

please never forget that. i know, if you read this, all my work was actually for nothing because then you know that i still love you, but i want you to be calm when you get the call. i want you to be fine.

i want you to be happy, damien. believe me. i never meant to hurt you. face the world with open hands and tears and don't forget that you are not alone in this. these wounds will heal. i know they will, damien, they have to.

i am feeling so weak. damien, i am feeling so, so weak. and i'm scared. you can't believe how scared i am. i always thought i wouldn't be scared of death, i wouldn't be scared of dying, but obviously i am. i wish you would be by my side to support me. maybe all i have done to get you away from me was a mistake? maybe fate wanted us to be together till the end?

i hate myself. you don't know how much i hate myself. i can't do this anymore. damien, i love you so much and i can't even show you that because you have to believe i don't love you. i want to kiss every inch of your body, i want to touch you and feel your warm body against mine. i want to fall asleep next to you and i want to wake up in your arms, feeling your hot breath in my neck or on my face.

i want to feel you one last time, damien. one last time. but that's impossible. i'm sure you wouldn't believe me if i told you i love you now. but i do, damien. i love you so much. i know i'm saying this way to much, but i would say it a thousand times more just to spend the rest of my life with you. and my life isn't that long anymore...

i'm dying.

i still can't believe it. damien, can you?

i'm scared. i'm so scared. and i'm weak.

i love you, damien, and i hope you will never, ever, ever feel like me, like i am feeling right now. because i love you and i would not want my worse enemie to feel like this. it's terrible. and i love you. i love you, damien.

-cassie