imperishable

†††

dear damien,

today i heard you talking on the phone with someone. i don't know who you were talking to, and actually i don't want to know. maybe you were talking to a girl and you are moving on, because i am so absent lately. maybe you realized that i am not worth it anymore.

whoever it was, i hope you are feeling better now. i know you've been crying. i heard you when i cooked us pasta. you were hiding in the bathroom and when i tried to open the door, it was locked. am i doing this to you? are you crying because of me?

please forgive me, damien. i never meant to hurt you, i promise. i just wanted to save you, i wanted to make sure you would be okay after my death, but maybe i just made everything worse. maybe you would be sad now and depressed then.

please blieve me that i only tried to protect you. really, i promise. i know, it's to late, but i love you, and i always have. it may have seemed as if i wouldn't have loved you anymore, but i always have. even that one time when you asked me if we were still the same and i said 'i don't think so', i didn't mean what i said. i saw the hurt in your eyes and i almost started crying. why didn't you see through my facade? why didn't you see the love in my eyes for you?

did i hide it so well? did you really believe i wouldn't love you anymore? when i am tinking about it, it seems like i was pretty good because not once did you ask me on a date again and not once did you really try to talk to me.

but i still saw the love in your eyes. i knew you still loved me and i wanted you to know so badly, too. maybe if you would have dared to look me in the eyes one more time, you would have seen that i was lying, but you were too hurt and i know that i was the cause for all of the pain you were, and probably still are, feeling.

please forgive me, damien. please.

i love you

yours sincerely, cassy