imperishable

♡

dear damien,

last night i had a dream. i dreamt that one morning, i was too weak to open my eyes and when i gave up, i felt your arm around me. and then i knew that it was too late. it was too late for you to be save. it was too late for you to move on without a broken heart. that night, when i woke up, you weren't lying next to me. i almost thought you were gone, i almost thought i would have made it, but i didn't. when i woke up again, you were lying next to me. where were you? maybe it is fair if you don't tell me because i have so many secrets, too.

did you see someone else? were you on a date? the thought is killing me, but i guess i deserve the pain i am feeling because i am causing you the same. i am sorry, damien. i am so so sorry.

i still remember the shock when my doctor told me i had cancer two weeks ago. how could i be so stupid and believe it was a prank at first? i mean, she is a doctor and you don't make jokes about anyone having cancer.

i wish i could look into you eyes one more time without seeing pain and without not seeing you. you've changed. i know i did this to you. i know i am the most horrible person on earth. i know that you are crying every day because of me.

i hate myself, damien, believe me. i never thought that i meant so much to you and i love you even more now, if that is possible. i always knew you loved me, but i never imagined to be able to hurt you that much. i don't want to hurt you and in this moment, i almsot wish you wouldn't love me as much, or not at all. but i am to selfish to really wish it. i love you damien. i love you.

i love you.

do you remember the day we visited my grandma? i still remember how your eyes got big when we entered your house. she has so many books. every wall in her house is filled with bookshelves and i knew you would love it. you and her talked about your favourite books and authors for hours while i enjoyed watching you being so happy. i was kind of afraid you wouldn't like her, i don't know why. after we got home again that day, you told me you loved her and you would really want to meet her again.

i guess you will have to go alone now. i am so sorry about that, i can't tell you how sorry i am and how sad it makes me.

i don't even know if you believe me. do you think all of this is bullshit to hurt you even more? because if you do, please, please don't.

i really don't mean to hurt you in any way. i know i already did but i really don't want to hurt you anymore. maybe you will not believe me and maybe this will hurt you even more, but, damien, i love you, i always have and i always will. please, damien. please believe me. i will never be able to tell you this again and i don't know if you will believe it ever again, but i do, damien, i do.

i love you.

i love you.

i love you.

forever yours - cassy