imperishable

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dear damien,

today, when i woke up, i found you lying on the sofa. you didn't sleep in our bed with me. you didn't why didn't you? well, my time has probably come. i'll have to leave now, i guess. you don't want me anymore. i thought you sleeping in the same bed as me was i sign, just to show me that you still desired me, but now, that you fell asleep on the sofa, i know it's over. forever and no one will be able to fix this.

to fix me.

damien, i am so sorry. you don't know how sorry i am. you don't know how much i hate myself for having cancer and you know what? i wish you wouldn't love me as much, because then you wouldn't be so hurt. but i Would never wish that you didn't love me, because i am to selfish for that and i could never live without your love.

never.

i love you, damien, i love you so much. i miss saying that to you, i miss seeing your eyes sparkle as i say it and i miss seeing your lips curl up into a smile. i miss your voice. i miss it so much that i watch the video we made last summer over and over again. no, actually i don't watch it, i listen to it. i listen to you saying how much fun we had today and i listen to you saying how much you love me and that you want to go surfing again tomorrow.

we never did, though. why not? i regret not spending enough time with you. but then again, i could never spend enough time with you, damien, because my whole life wouldn't be enough. ten lifes wouldn't be enough. heck, forever wouldn't be enough.

i never thought my heart would be so broken just by you sleeping on the sofa. you never have, not even when we were fighting. we always slept in the same bed, always, since the first day we moved together.

i am destroying us, damien. both of us. and i hate myself for it. so so much.

why do i have to be diagnosed with cancer? why? my life was perfect before and only now i realise just how perfect it was. it was paradise on earth, i had everything i could ever wish for, but i wasted my time with watching tv with you or cleaning the floor. why didn't i spend all that time with you? how could i be so naive and believe that i would have all of that forever? i learnt my lessons, damien, but it's to late for me now.

you still have your life though and i hope you will find paradise again. i gave you my heart and i won't take it back, not even after my death. it's yours, damien, only yours. i am yours. i will always be. and i wouldn't want my heart back, because that would mean you are giving up on me. maybe you already have.

maybe that is the reason why my heart is thumping so loudly in my chest. maybe it realised that it's alone now.

i don't blame you, damien. i love you - cassie