she doesn't love me || kjd

a

sitting at the bar, i constantly feel inadequate.
i still couldn't come to terms with what i'd done to seyeon.
i feel like even heathens look down on me.

i'm disgusted at myself.
i'm not even worthy of pity.

a monotone scream scratches at my lungs. maybe it's the smoke hot boxing the room; maybe it's the guilt eating away at me.

but that's not the reason i went to the bar. actually, albeit the sins i've committed, i'm numbing away the stress of job hunting. my company went bankrupt a couple of weeks ago, consequently i was made redundant. somehow, i still manage to look as though i'm still doing alright. somehow, i still have money to spend on seyeon.

i'm two drinks in when my friend, minseok, finally decides to show up.

he doesn't hesitate to properly introduce me to the bartender, who happened to be a friend of his.

she tells me her name is seolri and i tell her mine.

she's wearing a low cut top and a hell of a lot of makeup. if seyeon wore that, i'd think she'd be looking for attention - i'd probably call her a whore. i feel guilty for thinking it.

"long time, no see."
seolri pipes up.

i filtered out the ambiguous words the two exchanged; i wasn't really listening at all.

then seolri addressed me personally.

"i spoke to you at taemin's party last week. i guess you don't remember though..."

that was the party that seyeon and i went to. the one where i-

"you were there?"
my attention was now concentrated on her.

"you seem pretty different around your girlfriend though."

i start to panic. what if she saw what happened that night? what if she saw me lose control?

the best i do is shoot her a sour look as i sip on my mojito.

"my relationship is none of your business."
minseok butts in.
"that's what you wanted to say, right?"

for the most part, minseok understands me.
but i don't dare tell anyone about what's going on below the surface
- especially not minseok.

"he tells me that a lot. i think it's because he got cheated on in his last relationship. probably why he keeps details of his love life on the low nowadays. probably why him and his current girlfriend are inseparable."
minseok exposes me.

"below the belt, bro."
i grumble, but he doesn't take the hint.

"i remember how he was with his ex girlfriend though. pretty funny seeing as he said he was willing to lay down his life for her and everything - and she cheated on him for a stunt man."
he went on, shamelessly.

"well i'm glad he's seemed to have found the right person now?"
thankfully, seolri stops him there.
"my shift ends pretty soon, you wanna hit the club?"

"you look like you're dressed for it."
i point out, rolling my eyes.

"right?! it's one perk of not having a lame, uniform-strict office job! but i'm only working here temporarily, i'm actually a med student."

"ouch. a sketchy job like this while studying your ass off for a medical degree, how do you cope?"
i feign interest, though my voice remained relatively monotone, i could only muster so much enthusiasm through the shit storm terrorising my current affairs.

"it's not sketchy! the hours aren't too bad here, either. although i don't advocate alcohol, girl's gotta pay them tuition fees...
actually, can i tell a secret?"

"minseok loves gossip."
i wink at him as i call him out on his shit, but minseok is already leaning in to catch every word. he's practically hanging over the counter.

then seolri confesses:
"i add water to majority of the alcohol served here."

minseok spits out his beer.

"i knew something tasted off!"

"shut up! you chugged three pints without complaining!"
seolri flings a dishcloth in minseok's direction.

"well no wonder i'm not drunk yet!
i want my money back!"

"you don't sound sober to me, you lightweight! anyway, are you two down for clubbing or nah?"

minseok nods with enthusiasm.
i politely decline.

"jongdae! i thought you were my wingman!" minseok cries, betrayal written across his face.

"hey. the last time i played wingman, it was at that gay bar in itaewon that you dragged me along to-"

"alright. nevermind."
minseok gestures frantically for me to stop there but the damage has already been done. i continue just to spite him - friendly revenge in exchange for him exposing me earlier.

"...and you got all pissy with me when i scored more guys than you - especially with those professional athletes - and i'm not even gay."

i hear seolri's poor attempt at stifling a laugh. i take note of minseok's reddening face and triumphantly take my leave.

"take care, buddy. call me if you hit jackpot."
i say to him, implying a potential love interest.

"i'd probably have better luck with the lottery." he sulks, taking another swig of his diluted beer.

i give a soft chuckle and pat him on the back.
"good thing you're paying for my drinks then. see ya."

i give a curt nod to seolri before stuffing my hands into my pockets and sauntering out of the bar, the bass and minseok's protest still ringing in my ears.

as if on cue, my phone vibrates.
i pull it out of my pocket and see it's a text from seyeon.

then the thoughts of her come flooding back to me. i stop at a convenience store on the way home. it wasn't exactly a flower shop, but i didn't have a lot of options at 11:54 in the evening.

i've been trying to make it up to seyeon since it happened. i know it was a week ago, and she said it didn't matter...
and i didn't hurt her that much. any grazes healed up. if she had any bruises, they were faint. but the guilt knotting in my stomach didn't subside.

but maybe it wasn't guilt that i was feeling.

maybe i was mistaking it for my own insecurity.