she doesn't love me || kjd

m

"look, it's cold outside. let's talk inside."

"no. i'm ending this right here right now. there's nothing more to talk about."

she turns to leave but i grab her hand.

"we can work this out, seyeon. like we've always done. we're a team, remember?"

she spills out more reasons but all i hear is ringing in my ears.

"can't we j-just talk about this at home?"

"jongdae, look. i'm not going home. not tonight. i'm moving out. as soon as possible."

"no... no you don't have to do that-"

"it's your apartment, jongdae. i don't want to hold you back via the electricity bill..."
the sarcasm was thick on her tone.
i've been trying to hide the fact that i've been struggling financially for months, it feels like everything's come crashing down.

"you know i don't care about any of that--" i start to argue, but i know i've already lost.

"well maybe you should... seeing as you still haven't found a new job yet... actually i... i have something to tell you..."
she gingerly touches my hand. it takes everything i have to stop myself from wrapping my hand over hers.

there's a constellation of snowflakes resting on her lashes.

"i'm sorry jongdae, i--"

"seyeon... hey, don't cry..."

"you don't deserve this i'm so sorry i was just so scared and i--"

she breaks down in tears before she can finish her sentence.

i move to wrap my arms around her but she pushes me away. it takes everything in me not to hold her, to comfort her.

"i was just so scared of ending it with you before so i couldn't do it sooner so i just kept it a secret that i--"

"that you...?"

"i was seeing other men, jongdae. you must've known?"

"it doesn't matter whether you did or you didn't."

"how could you say that? jongdae, i cheated on you. how could you be okay with that?"

honestly, i'm torn apart. it's snowing yet all i can feel is a burning sensation running down through the apex of my heart. i can hardly speak.

"i don't care what you've done. i'll forgive you."

"that's pathetic. don't you have any pride?"

i'll throw everything away just to be with you.

"i just want you." i say, but i barely manage a whisper.

i'll be on your side always.

"just don't leave me." i beg.

as long as you don't betray me.

"are you stupid? i'm leaving. i don't want you in my life anymore, i don't love you anymore. this isn't working."

please.

"it's over, jongdae."

don't just throw my love away.
i want to tell her.
all i have is you.

i used to pray each day that she wouldn't be taken away from me but now, my nightmares have become my reality.