she doesn't love me || kjd

m

it was a bleak wednesday morning and i was waiting for seyeon. she stayed a night away at her mother's house and was due to meet me at what minseok calls his café: "a piece of your heart".

so i find myself seated comfortably at minseok's coffee shop as i watch the clock. 9:59. 10:00.
i ordered a caramel latte for seyeon and a mochaccino for myself.
10:01. 10:05. 10:06.
her drink has a bear with little hearts decorated around it, courtesy of minseok and his formidable skills in latte art.
10:08. 10:09.
i check the weather app, it's supposed to snow today. i hope she's dressed warm enough.
10:15. 10:20. 10:25.

she's late. again.

my heart is pounding as anxiety ebbs it's way into my brain.
what if something happened to her?
i should've gone to pick her up myself. what if--

but all the alarm bells ringing in my ears silence when i see her strolling over to me, an apologetic look glossed over her features.

"sorry i'm la--"

"it's fine."
i didn't mean to snap at her.

she drapes her jacket over the back of a chair and awkwardly sits down opposite me.
i try softening my voice after seeing her disheartened face.
"look, i ordered your favourite..."
it's only then that i realise her latte's gone cold and the cream bear on the surface has started to separate.

it's ruined.
it's all ruined.

i've fucked up, again.

"i'm sorry." she says again.

"you don't have to apologise." i tell her.

"okay." she utters flatly, before continuing in the same flaccid tone. "oh. minseok did latte art again, huh? he's really good at it... it's... a flower, right?"

"yeah..."
really, all it is are incoherent shapes merged with a top layer of milk beginning to curdle. she hasn't made eye contact this whole time.

she examines her cup with doll-like eyes before bringing it to her lips.

"stop! i'll just order you another one."

she doesn't hear me and takes a sip anyway.

"it's cold."
she says, finally looking at me.
she's smiling but her eyes are dead.

"seyeon, please don't be like this."
i try taking the cup away from her but she keeps a tight grip on it.

"sorry..."

"i'll order you something else."
i pull on the mug with more force this time.
and so does she.

"but then it's a waste..."

"just give it to me!"
i tug at it roughly and in that same moment she lets go - the mug slips from my grasp.
latte spills on the table.
the mug rolls and hits the floor.
"fuck."

seyeon rushes out of her seat to pick up the broken pieces. i do the same but only to stop her.

"what are you doing? we'll get someone to clean this up."

"i'm sorry... i-- ah!"
she cuts herself on one of the shards.

i cradle her hands in mine, coaxing her to stand up as i check for splinters lodged in her bleeding finger.

she's holding on so tightly to a piece of porcelain that it digs into her skin. i loosen my grip on her hands, scared that i'm crushing it deeper into her palm. but she's clutching on to the shard herself and it hurts me to have to pry open her fingers one by one.

i bring my face close to hers and murmur:
"seyeon, look at me. why are you being like this?"

she's won't look at me again, instead she's watching as small trickles of blood drip to the floor. crimson flowers blooming as they diffuse into the puddle of coffee. she looks as though she's about to say something but then closes her mouth when minseok appears with a first aid kit.
"hey, what's happened here then?" he says gently, keeping a professional air about him.
he's already got an employee cleaning the floor.

i'm still apologising to minseok ten minutes later.
seyeon's sat back in her chair. her left palm bandaged and a cute pink plaster on her right finger. she's balled up her hands into little fists on her lap and is staring into space.

i grab my jacket and take her by the wrist.
"you wanna go somewhere else?"

she nods slowly in response, still dazed, and puts her coat on. i hold her right hand and lead her out of the café.

"i missed you so much while you were gone. did something happen?"

"not really..." she mumbles.

normally, she'd tell me everything that's bothering her. normally, she'd hug me and tell me how much she missed me too.

i let out a sigh. i don't want to force her.

"so what do you want to do? it's too cold to stay outside, do you want to go to the cinema?"

"jongdae, stop spending money on me. you don't have a job." she tries to play it off like she's teasing me but i can see through it.

"it's fine. i'll get one soon. guess where i've got a job interview with?"

"when's the interview?" she pipes up as if she didn't just ignore what i had just said to her. as if she suddenly had a lot on her mind.

"tomorrow..."

"oh. good luck." she says flatly.

"hey, i said guess..." i pout.

"one of the surgery places in gangnam, right?"

"yeah, it's the one right opposite the station, so it's not too far from where you work. you don't have to worry about me, okay?"

"okay..."

"didn't you say you wanted to look at the new lipsticks at étude house? do you want to go to hongdae?"

"i don't mind..."

i don't like this but at least she's talking to me again.