Still Believe In Magic? (A Buckin Fanfic)

Chapter 8 - Screaming Out From The Crests Of Waves (Part 2)

I heard some noise coming from the music room so hastily made my way into it. Sitting on the floor I saw Chris. He sat there with his arms crossed over his knees and his head resting on top of them. Next to him I spotted an almost empty bottle of whiskey. I couldn't tell if he had passed out and my heart skipped a beat at seeing him like this.

With a few large steps towards Chris I approached him and kneeled down on the floor. To my relief he turned his head as I did so.

"Chris? Are you okay?"

Chris looked like a total mess and his bloodshot eyes made it clear that he had been crying. He was obviously pretty drunk. As a response he just nodded slightly, looking away.

"What's up with... Uhmm... Like... I saw the poured out sleeping pills on the table and got really worried... You didn't take them, did you?"

My voice was cracking with fear all the time. I didn't know how to talk with him to make things all right again and most of all I was really scared that he could have done something to himself.

Chris looked up at me and answered with a low voice.

"No... No I was searching for something else and... I dropped the bottle of medication."

I ignored his obvious lie and instead tried to figure out a way I could make him talk about what he had on his heart that was so heavily pushing him down.
I didn't know if the fact that he was anything but sober would be a help on this or not. Maybe I should try some other day.

Chris took another sip of the whiskey and rested his tired head on his knees.
I gently tried to put my hand on his back and luckily he didn't push me away. Probably he was not in the state to.

"Chris... Listen, I don't mean to be harsh to you or anything, but you need to move on. You have to somehow get over your crisis and Gwyneth. You should talk to someone. We're always here for you but you know, if you don't want to tell us you can find someone else. Remember how hard you fought for all of this, the band, all of this? I know it's hard and everything seems so dark right now, but do you really want to just throw it all away? I know that deep down you're actually a fighter, I know you Chris, you would never just give up. So I just want you to know, you can talk to me. About anything."

At what I had just said Chris suddenly broke out in tears again. He had always rather been a sad drunk person, maybe that's why he usually didn't drink so much. But right now it was obvious that Chris was using the alcohol in a desperate attempt to cover up his emotions.

"Will it's... I don't know how to explained it. The thing is... I'm destroying it all." Chris sobbed, clearly lead to finally talk about it at all by the influence of alchohol.

"I have these... feelings, but if I'd admit them it would destroy everything. But denying and trying to have a new start obviously didn't help either. Oh, I'm such a loser!"

"No Chris, you're not a loser. Everyone gets at this point in their life where they just don't know what to do anymore and feel totally lost. But I don't really get what you say. What kind of feelings are you talking about? And why would admitting them destroy everything?"

"There is someone I... like but I really shouldn't. It's... I just don't know what to do Will!"

"Who is it you shouldn't like? Maybe that's no true. If that's how you're feeling you shouldn't deny it to yourself and say it's wrong. I don't want to push you but maybe I can help... Who is it you like? You know I won't judge you or tell anyone."

"Will, it's different than you think... The person I like-", Chris started talking really quite so the words he said were barely audible.

"It's - it's Jonny. Oh no I don't know what to do. I don't want to feel like this! I like girls actually!"

I was kind of shocked at this. I never expected Jonny could be the reason for Chris being desperate. That's the last thing I ever expected to hear from Chris and part of me didn't believe my ears at first. Not like I wouldn't support Chris with this, of course I would, but that's not the kind of reveal you take easily.

"Wow this is... I didn't expect this to be honest. So that's why you've been behaving so strange towards Jonny recently?"

"Yes - it's just tearing me apart being around him. I just don't know what to. I don't want to feel like this but I can't change my feelings. I've tried too long. So I figured out the only way us to get away from all of this."

I could tell Chris was about to cry again and the only reason he was talking so openly was his drunk state.

"Chris, you should know running away isn't the solution. It won't change anything and you can't just give everything you've worked for for so long up. I know it's hard but I really think you should tell Jonny. That's the only way you can ever get over him and there's at least a tiny chance he might even return your feelings. He's totally depressed since you're gone and desperate to talk to you."

"But how should I do that? Just walk in and say: 'Hey Jonny, by the way, I'm gay now and in love with you!'?"
Chris faked a laugh.
"It would destroy everything! I could never face him, let alone be friends with him!"

"That's not true Chris. I'm sure Jonny would understand and you could somehow figure out a way even if he doesn't feel the same. I don't think it could end up worse than where you are right now. We could all tell how depressed you've been the last few months. You need to do something about it to move on. You told me you tried everything already to find a way to get over it, didn't you? And it's not just about you, it's about the future of all of us. We have no idea what to do without you, Chris. The band can't work if one of us is missing."

"Probably you're right, but I'm so scared Will! It would be so awkward for Jonny."

"What's the worst thing that could happen? It defenitly can't be worse than drowning in sadness and quitting our friendship and the band. Didn't you say yourself: 'If you never try you'll never know'?"

"Okay that's true... But I just don't know how to say something Iike this. Maybe... give me a little time and I'll maybe feel ready to. Am I just gonna call him and tell him to meet up? After what I've done to him and all of you? He'll hate me anyway!"

"Oh Chris, you know he never could. What about I arrange a dinner for you in a few days?"

"Well... Okay, if you think that's best."

After making sure that Chris is okay I organized everything, found a private place for the two to meet and messaged Jonny that I got through to Chris and that he had to tell Jonny something. Their dinner would take place on Thursday night.
I couldn't believe I just managed to talk Chris into telling Jonny. Now that I arranged everything he had no way out when he was back to sober again, that's exactly what I wanted to achieve. Maybe that's kind if mean, but I was doing it for his own best. I was convinced that telling Jonny would be the only right way for Chris.

But most of all I still couldn't believe what Chris had just revealed to me. All those moths of pain and darkness where to be blamed upon Chris falling in love with Jonny. Or had he been in love all along? I had no idea.

It was all so clear now. His unrequited love and therefore collapse of his regular life must also have lead him into some kind of general crisis. And when you think about it Jonny and Chris had always had a stronger and different bond. The question was only if Jonny would feel the same about it or it was just friendship to him.