Dealing With Anxiety and Staying Strong

High School

Eighth grade year was a rollercoaster for me. It was my first year in high school. I went to an all girls Catholic high school, and the girls I went to school with were very catty. I became closed off again. I had a group of friends, but I still felt distant from everyone. I was very quiet, and I never spoke. One morning it was raining and my dad was bringing me to school. I got out the car, puddles hitting the bottom of my shoes, and ran towards the cafeteria. I sat by my group of friends, and all of a sudden my group of friends turned on me. They shut me out. They blocked me off the circle. I sat alone, outside the circle, and I watched them laugh. So, I got up, and I went to find my friend who was in choir with me.

She took me under her wing for the rest of the year. I was no longer in contact with my group of friends. Things only started to escalate from there.

A girl (let's call her -A) started to bully me. It was random in all honesty. I didn't know what I did. I started to think something was wrong with me. I couldn't find a break at home or at school. My parents were always arguing about money at home, and at school I was getting picked on, but I didn't let my parents know.

-A and her friend found a way to bully me in any way they could. They would make jokes in class, they would laugh at me in the hallways, and they even turned their whole group on me. I was alone. I felt like everyone was against me. I felt like I could do nothing right. Was something wrong with me? Were they picking on me because I never spoke? Was it because I was a Miley Cyrus fan? Was it because I never went to school dances? My self esteem started to decrease. I didn't feel confident in anything I did. I became socially anxious, and I started getting nervous over every little thing. I cried myself to sleep almost every night, and I didn't tell my parents what was going on. I didn't want them to have one more thing to stress about.

One night I went on formspring.me (yes, that used to be a thing). It was this website where people asked you questions and you answered them. -A and her friend started cyberbullying me. I was afraid. I was told to not go to school or something bad would happen. I was told ugly names and horrible things about me. Someone even wrote me saying that they wouldn't care if I died.

I became depressed. I felt like I didn't have a purpose. All these questions were running through my head. I was depressed from the moment I got out the car to go to school until the moment I got home. It was an every day routine for nine months. I felt like the world was turning against me. Was all this my fault? If I didn't exist, would the world be better?

I had to stay after school one day, and I was waiting for my mom to pick me up. I was sitting on a bench waiting for her to call me saying she's here. -A and her friend came to sit by me. They started to make fun of me, and the next thing I knew -A slapped me across the face and pushed me off the bench. I didn't cry. I tried my best to stay strong, and I tried to play it off, and then all of a sudden her friend took a dead lizard and threw it on me. I looked around and saw people laughing, and I saw a teacher who was standing by watching, and she didn't say a thing.

I walked away and went to find my friend in another building. We sat on a bench, and I cried my eyes out to her. I couldn't understand why they were being so mean. I constantly had to ask myself if something was wrong with me. What did I do? Why do these girls hate me so much? I had to leave. I couldn't be at this school.

When my mom picked me up I collected myself. She asked how my day was, and the next thing I know I broke down in the car. I told her what they did, and my mom was shocked. She said she'll call the principal which gave me even more anxiety. I began to panic. My hands started to sweat, my heart began to race, and my head began to pound. I was really crying. I immediately said, "No, mom. You cannot call the principal. It would just make things a lot worse. The principals daughter is in that group. You can't say anything! Please, don't say anything."