Dealing With Anxiety and Staying Strong

College

Entering my first semester in college gave me the worst anxiety. I knew I was entering a new chapter in my life, and I knew I wasn't going to know anybody in class. I panicked frequently about it until the day actually arrived. I was scared to go alone because I didn't want to show up and look lost and afraid. I especially didn't want to look alone, so I went over to one of my good friends house, and we went to school together. We had different classes, but we talked the whole way there, and it gave me comfort which is what I needed.

When we parted ways I knew I had to do this alone. I had to find my classes on my own and find a spot to sit in all my classes. I remember I spent one class in the wrong class for forty-five minutes, but I acted like I was supposed to be there.

I made friends in all of my classes which felt weird to me because I was always so bad at making friends. I became close with two people in my English class, and we still talk here and there until this day.

College wasn't all that bad anymore. I began to like going to school here, but I still wasn't outgoing. I went to school, socialized with who I knew, went to work, and then I went home. It was the same routine everyday I had school.

I reconnected with an old friend while in school. We used to talk every so often throughout the years, and we became kind of close again. We opened up about our families, and we talked about random things. He met me outside of class, texted me all the time, flirted with me, ate lunch with me, came to my work to visit, and even snapchatted me pictures. I started to fall for him again. We were getting along great, and we were always hanging out around school. I told my friends in English about him, and they seemed to like him.

I was at work one day with my coworker, and we were talking about school and our love life. I remember I was checking snapchat and saw he posted a story with some girl. I was confused. I was hurt. I felt lost. I brought it up to my coworker and I said, "Why would he snapchat me of him and some girl? Does he not know we're talking? I know he's a player, and I thought I knew what I was doing, but I don't get it. What does this mean? What should I think? What should I do?"

And that is when all the overthinking started pouring in like rain again.

She immediately took her phone out and texted him asking him how you have been. After they caught up she asked him if he was in a relationship. His answer? Yes. Him and his girlfriend have been dating for six months.

Here I was in shock. I was sitting in a chair at my work confused. I felt played, and I knew he was a player. I wanted to text his girlfriend and let her know what he did. I wanted her to know that her boyfriend has been lying to her and going behind her back. I had no idea. I was crushed.

I cried my eyes out at work. Why did I have to fall for him again? Why would I do such a thing when I knew how he was? I cried and cried until I didn't know what to do. My coworker eventually texted him and told him how I felt, and she told him how he could do such a thing and see nothing wrong with it.

He texted me saying he didn't know, but I knew he knew exactly what he was doing. He sent me long paragraphs apologizing, and I still didn't want to believe anything. I couldn't face the confrontation.

I couldn't stop myself from thinking. I started to blame myself because I knew how he was. I knew he talked to everyone, and I thought I could change him, but I was wrong. I started to have these thoughts sliding in my mind again, and I couldn't stop them from coming, and they just kept rushing to my head. I had to leave. I had to get out of here, and I didn't know what to do. My heart started racing, and my head started hurting, and I kept asking myself why?

So, after work I went home, and I cried some more, and then I found myself self harming all over again. I thought maybe if I self harmed I would feel better. I thought I deserved it and thought maybe I should punish myself. I had to punish myself because I knew that this could've happened, but I kept talking to him anyway. Before I knew it depression found its way back home to me, and I became a huge mess all over again.