Dealing With Anxiety and Staying Strong

My First Love

I have to admit it I'm really anxious about writing this chapter. My ex boyfriend (I'll call him Nate) has influenced me in so many different ways. Nate and I had a connection when we first met. We dated for a year and a half. We had a bond like no other, and we were always there for each other no matter what.

In the beginning of our relationship he was always very controlling. He tried to control everything I did, and I thought it was okay. Nate has a really big family and every time we went to his family events I always got really nervous. I didn't mean to be nervous, and I never meant to stay quiet, but I just could not help myself that I got so nervous. Everyone already knows one another of course, and I always just felt like the black sheep.

I brought it up to Nate. I told him how I didn't like how controlling he was. I felt like everything I did he had control over, and I didn't like that. He picked me up from my house and we went to go sit in a grocery store parking lot. We talked about everything and nothing and ever since then he stopped being so controlling.

Months passed and we were getting closer and closer. We got crazy comfortable with one another and we spent the majority of our time together. It was crazy how much I loved this person. He was my best friend, my partner in crime, my other half, and I loved him more than anything in this world.

He was always there for me even if he was busy. He always made time for me. He knew when I was upset, when I was mad, and when I was happy. He knew me from the inside out. He knew me more than I knew myself. He made me stronger, and he made me believe in myself. He filled up that hole that's been inside me for so long, and I didn't feel so empty anymore. He gave me the strength I needed, and he showed me my worth and my purpose in life.

Nate and I always laughed, but we also always bickered. I got frustrated easily because I always worry. I worried about every little thing and that bothered Nate. Nate didn't like how anxious I would always get. We never hung out with his friends because I always got so nervous. I was always so afraid that they wouldn't like me and that they would judge me. Nate didn't like how I always over thought everything too. We started to bicker more and more, and I felt like we were falling apart.

I was still going through family issues at home which he knew about. All my stress came from my home and the environment I lived in. He knew that, and he still couldn't give me a break. It started to get really hard.

He would drop hints about breaking up, and I never said a thing. We went to Houston together, and he would drop hints about breaking up after Houston. He even said that Houston was a 'test'. I still didn't say a word.

We were falling apart, and I felt like it was all my fault. I didn't know what else to do to make him not get upset. We always went back and forth, and we could never agree on anything. I didn't understand what was happening to us.

He was my rock. We told each other everything, and we always fought through every single fight we ever had. We had a very strong bond, and it was hard to break our bond. People always said things about us to try and break us apart, but we didn't listen to them. We only cared what we thought, and we cared deeply for one another.

My home situation wasn't getting any better. My dad was leaving every night and he would come back at six o' clock in the morning. It was an every day thing, and my siblings and I were very confused about it. I was starting to really stress at home, and I always complained to Nate about it.

I started having constant anxiety. I was panicking almost every single day, and I started to feel drained all over again. It was getting too much for me to handle because I was dealing with so much, and I was really letting my stress affect Nate and I's relationship.

My parents were getting worse by the day, and I didn't know how to handle the situation. Nate was starting to get stressed himself and it was all because of me.