Dealing With Anxiety and Staying Strong

My First HeartBreak

My world shattered when Nate and I broke up. I always gave him an attitude because I was always so stressed. My anxiety took a hard toll on our relationship. Nate didn't like how I was always so anxious all the time. I was constantly living on the edge of everything, and he didn't like how we could never hangout with his friends because I would always get so nervous.

I blamed myself for us breaking up. I told myself I wasn't good enough, and that he got tired of me. Did he get tired of me? Does he still love me? Does he still miss me or think about me? These questions run through my head every single day and no matter how hard I try, I can't escape it.

Nate said he needed some time. He said he's not looking for anyone and that he just wants to be alone. He told me that he has nothing more to say to me but when he's ready to date again that he'll text me first. I made him swear to me that he would text me first when he's ready, and he said he would keep his word. In all honesty, I don't know if I should believe that which constantly gives me anxiety.

I wrote him an email. He had to know what was going through my mind, and he needed to know how sorry I was for everything. The email read:

Dear Nate,

Some people call me crazy. Some people call me weird. Some people call me odd. I like to think of myself as unique. I do things that are weird and I say things that are weird. But that just makes me-me. I'm not a perfect person. I have my flaws. I have my fears. I have my thoughts. I have my good days and my bad. Recently, I've been overcoming my flaws, my fears, and my thoughts. I still have my bad days, but that's okay because my good days over powers my bad days. I'm a work in progress. I'm loving the whole process of it too. I'm learning how to better myself in so many ways. I'm learning how to cope with my struggles. I'm learning how to forgive myself even if I don't want to, but I can't be so hard on myself. After all I'm only human. I forgave myself for this past weekend. I regret what I did. You asked why did you do it? I know why I did it. It was to make you jealous. My therapist says that it is okay. Girls and guys do things to make their significant other jealous, but you just have to learn from it and not do it again. And I'm not. How I acted was not okay. I let my stress come into our relationship and that was not okay. I took it out on you and that was not okay. You are an amazing person. You are the definition of a gentleman. I love everything about you from the inside out. I love every detail about you. I love your flaws. I love the way you get excited and the way you laugh. I love you more than anything in this entire world. And I asked myself these questions over the course of three days. Does he still love me? Does he miss me? Does he want to be with me? Does he think of me? Does he still care? If I said can we work together and build ourselves up and come back stronger, will he say yes? Does he hate me? Does he want nothing to do me? Did he throw my stuff away? Did he have a good Fourth of July? I brought my pandora bracelet with me when I went out for the Fourth of July. I know you want nothing to do with me, and that was the only way to make you there with me that night. And I asked myself if I could make things right I would, but I can't because you won't let me. I'm doing better. I'm coping well. I'm conquering my anxiety everyday. I wouldn't change this process for anything. It's a long process she said, but she said I can recover and be the best version of me I've ever been. I've been doing some thinking. We're not perfect, but we are perfect together. Noah once told Allie from The Notebook: It's not going to be easy. It's going to be really hard; we're gonna have to work through this everyday, but I wanna do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, everyday. You and me...everyday.
So I asked myself Nessie what are you doing? And my reply was simple: love. I love someone very deeply from the bottom of my heart. I want to give him the world. I want him to be apart of my work in progress, and I want to be apart of his. I want to be there for him in so many ways. I want to help him with his struggles. Give him money for gas if he needs it, or give him lunch money so he can have a nice lunch. In the beginning I wanted to start from scratch. Why? Why would I want to do something so silly? I do not want to erase all of our time together. I want us to make a better comeback together. I want us to be stronger together. I want us to be so powerful and conquer this world and our fears together. You don't let the ones you really love slip out of your world. And I learned that this week. I learned that if you really love someone you will show them. I can be a nutcase sometimes. I say things I don't mean and do things that sometimes don't make sense. I learned that it's okay. I'm a work in progress. And it's weird to me because over the past week I've become such an extrovert. It's weird, but I like it. I like weird. My therapist told me to write everything down that I'm feeling and send it out to you. I was very questionable about it. I told her my feelings aren't going to make him come back. All these words that I feel aren't going to change anything. They aren't going to show him how sorry I am for everything I did. But she said this to me: Ness, you are a beautiful girl. You are sensitive and you care for people and their feelings deeply. You have a big heart and that's okay. I want you to do this because I want you to get everything out. I don't want you to hold anything back on what you have to say. If you two were really in love like you said you two were, then he would want to read your letter. You need to cope from this. If he really loves you like he said he did, he would want to be with you. But you can't just sit here and think about all the what if's and could've beens. You need to do this for yourself. But once you click send that is it. You need to move on. If he wants to be with you he will. Write everything down and then let things be. And she was right. So I sat in my room for hours trying to figure out what I wanted to say. I had one task to write a letter and click send. So that is what I'm doing right now. A good friend of mine told me this recently: you don't give up on the person you love. So, I will not give up on you. I will not give up on us. I'm hoping you will keep your word for when you are ready you will text me first. Sometimes I feel like I'm a burden to you, but I can't keep living wondering if you miss me or us. I miss you terribly. I do. I miss our conversations. I miss everything. Out of everything I miss-it's you. I know you want nothing to do with me. But I am sorry for everything. Zoey got a little depressed the other day-she misses you. But I hope you think about me and us and think about all those memories. I wouldn't want to spend my time with anyone else. You're the love of my life and I can't live without you. I'm respecting your space. So this is the last time you will hear from me, until you are ready to try things again. I trust you that you will keep your word and text me first whether that be in a week or two or three. I'm putting all my trust in you. I love you. I really do. And I hope you still love me too.

Love,
Nessie aka Vanessa

Three weeks have flown, and I still heard nothing. My anxiety was getting the best of me again, and I knew I had to do what was best for me. I blocked his number, and I deactivated my Facebook. It's not fair to me that he can easily go to sleep at night while I'm at home a complete mess. I was explaining the whole situation to my friend, and she said, "He's still mentally abusing you from afar. That's not fair to you at all. You don't deserve the way he's treating you, and he needs to realize that and know he's in the wrong too. Don't be sad about him."

I tried for days to not be sad, and I was actually doing fine. It just hurts that the one person you loved more than anything wants nothing to do with you anymore, and I could never learn how to deal with that.