eternally shining | JHS

Until

Dear Love of my Life,

I've been in a hospital bed for three weeks now. Three weeks away from you and our baby have been the worse hell I've had to live through and there is no guarantee I will ever get out of this bed, let alone, survive. My love, I have an important question for you. If I told you today that I want to leave, that I want to get euthanasia and just end up this suffering, would you support me?

I don't have energy to smile anymore. I'm dulling into the nonexistence of the happiness I've lost because of this sickness and I can't handle it! You know me. You know who I am and what I do and how I live. This is not me. I'm a vegetable, a burden. I don't want to live if I have to live like this.

Please let me know that you won't give up on me. Please be selfish and tell me I'm wrong and refuse to let me die because I am close to giving up myself, and if you do too, then I don't think I'm going to survive.

I don't even know who I'm writing to anymore. I know this is supposed to be for the love of my life, but your face is already so blurry in my mind and I can barely remember your name. I'm afraid things aren't going to get any better for me, so I'm letting you go already. The spark in your eyes dies a little each time you visit, and I die a little too.

Our love is a withering flower on the coldest of winters, and I have lost the way back home. Do I even have a home? Is my home with you, or are you the image of my home gone woman?

I hate myself for being like this. So useless, stuck in this bed while you go around and fight the world by yourself.

I hope you find happiness out there.

Eternally in love with you,
Hoseok.