Stella and the Boxer

Chapter 23

I wake at 5 a.m. on Saturday after a terrible dream, and I’m angrier with myself than I’ve ever been about anything.

Thank goodness my dorm building remained open over break. Then again, maybe I would have been better off having to stay at Charlie’s – I wouldn’t feel so terrible for what I’ve done to him. I’m also thankful that most of the students haven’t returned to campus; I’m sure I would have frightened someone, carrying my bulk of luggage in last night with bloodshot eyes and a mascara-streaked face. I don’t deserve the good luck.

Charlie texted me three times last night before I fell asleep.

The first was an apology, begging for me to call. The second was just a plea for me to assure him that I’d made it safely to my room. I replied, out of respect, telling him that I was safe. He replied then, a third text, saying that he loved me.

I don’t feel stubborn this morning, not towards him anyway, but I think I’ll be mad at myself forever. I don’t even think it was stubbornness that caused me to leave last night, but I’m still having difficulty finding another reason.

Sure, I could say that I ran away from the conflict, but he apologized. He wasn’t going to keep fighting me. I was embarrassed, of course. He made me feel like he looks down on me, like I’m not only to be taken care of, but also to be maintained. I hated that. I know that he doesn’t think of me like that, though – if he did, he wouldn’t have those shy, worried moments.

He wouldn’t have been so upset when I left, if he truly believed that I need him.

I do. 

I start to realize that my reason for leaving so abruptly is irrelevant for now. I need to apologize, and then I need to be ready to go and talk to him when he wakes.

I grab my phone and open our conversation. I never replied after his third text, but I do now.

I love you, I type, I’m sorry for leaving. That was stupid of me. I want to see you in the morning. Just call me when you wake up, please?

I add another “I love you” and send the message. I assumed that he would still be in a deep sleep, so I am surprised when he answers moments later.

I have to go for a run and to the gym – work. You understand. I catch what he’s doing and my heart drops, even though I deserve it.

Before I can reply, he texts again, I’ll just call you after, okay?

I smile, because I can tell that he’s trying to be cold, but his soft heart won’t allow it.

He texts again, seconds later.

I love you.

I tell him again that I love him, and that it’s fine for him to call whenever. He has the right, if he wants to be stubborn now. I’ll apologize as much as I need to. I was ridiculous to leave him, even if just for a night. But I still trust that he’ll call, and want to talk to me.  

I brush my teeth, shower, dress, apply makeup, and blow out my hair all before seven. I didn’t even eat dinner last night, but I am somehow still not hungry – and I don’t think I will be until I can speak to Charlie. I make tea and work on homework then, since school is going to be keeping me busy until winter break.

At ten, there is a knock on my door. Something in me tells me that it’s Charlie. Ten is when he would always come by the café, between his run and the gym. Maybe he’s come to pick me up and let me apologize, and then we can spend the day together listening to our favorite records and making food and maybe take a bath.