Stella and the Boxer

Chapter 48

I try to turn away from the page, but I can’t. I consider that maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible to read only the part that mentions my name. But once I allow myself to sit in the desk chair, and I take the paper into my hands, my eyes go straight to the beginning, and I do not try to stop myself.

I’ve tried for over a month to think of what I might say to you in this letter. I wasn’t, and I am still not sure how to address you – so this is my salutation.

As far as this letter’s contents, I’m not sure if I’ve been coming up short because my life needs little summarizing, or because you've simply missed too much, and I can't decide where to begin. It's hard to tell you about me, that is what I'm trying to say. But the most important part of my life has been revealed very recently, and I could talk forever about her.

You met her, and I don't have to wonder about your memory to assume that you remember – no one could forget her. 

She didn’t tell me that you’d spoken to her, of course. She’d kept silent until Victoria could speak to me, because she didn’t want to upset me. She didn’t feel that it was her place.

Stella is careful when it comes to her place in people’s lives. She knows what it’s like to be broken from the inside, and in order not to burden another with even an ounce of the pain that she’s felt, she often keeps away from others entirely. 

I am lucky to be her exception.

Before Stella, I never thought that I could be anything more than a problem for other people. I could take care of myself, sure. But I was positive that no one would ever feel safe with me. I thought I would never be able to make someone happy.

I fell in love with her for the way that she changed what things I saw ahead of me. It reminded me of driving with dull headlights, when the road ahead of you is too dark to make out, and it’s a bit scary. And then she was there, and I could finally see other roads ahead of me – see what I might be coming up to. There was more for me, and for us. She became a light to a part of my future that I’d given up on before I'd even had a chance to begin, and I will never be able to thank her enough.

Maybe I’m not very good at metaphors.

What I mean is, I never thought there was much in this world for me – other than fighting – and I certainly never thought that there was someone for me. Every day I realize more and more that I’ve always wanted her – even before I knew her.

She is the dream that I was afraid of having, and she’s helped me to realize other things that I want, too.

Even now, as she’s asleep in my lap, I’m seeing things that I haven’t before, and I know what I’d like to say to you.

I hope you’re brave enough to need someone, someday. I hope you find yourself at peace with the idea that when you love someone, and you allow that person to love you in return, there is no pain that cannot be eased.

 Look forward to hearing from you,

C

 

I quickly place Charlie’s letter to his father back on the desk so that it will not catch the tears falling from my eyes. I lean back into the leather chair and allow the tears to blur my sight completely, and fall silently.

When my eyes are dry, and my vision clear, I decide to write my own letter.