axel

::nine::

Point of View: noah 

[But if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

Nothing changed at all?

And if you close your eyes,

Does it almost feel like

You've been here before?

How am I gonna be an optimist about this?] {Pompeii, Bastille} 

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{November 4th)

Dear Diary,

I went back and looked at my journal entry from one year ago exactly. It took me a while to find it- I had to go back 365 entries. Which means I had to dig out my 2012 journal and that took a long time.  I can't believe I've even managed to keep journals for so long considering my track record with keeping up with things. 

A year ago today the four of us, Mom, Dad, Josiah and I, all started watching Friday Night Lights together. We got it on Netflix and started watching all the episodes, season by season, episode by episode.

I got to thinking about it today, since that would make sense, right?

We never finished them all. 

We could only watch it when all four of us were free, and that wasn't often. Joe and I had school and mom and dad were still skating a lot. 

It got easier to watch once mom started chemo because we were all sitting around at the house more, but we still never managed to watch them all.

When mom died this past May, we only had the final season finale to watch.

We got so close. I remember we had a marathon the Saturday before she died, trying just trying to do this one last thing. 

I remember her telling me she didn't want to go until she saw that last episode. She kept telling me she wanted to wrap up that last thing. There were so many things she didn't get to do that she wanted to.

She just wanted to finish that.

I've never watched it. I couldn't bring myself to do it after she died. I don't think Joe or my dad did either. It just seemed wrong.

It was our show.

But anyway. I don't know what happened to any of the characters. I don't know if they all died in the finale episode, or if it all ended happily ever after.

But no way that it ends could possibly satisfy me. I would be mad if they all died, I'd be mad if they all lived. I'd be angry if it was a happy ending, I'd be pissed if it was sad.

The only good ending would be my mom getting to watch it with me.

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I was never a very religious person. Most likely because my parents weren't, and I only followed their lead. But we went to church a couple of times a year, Easter and the sort. We called ourselves Christians, but I don't think we ever really got it or anything.

After mom died, some kid in my class at school invited me to her church. I didn't go, of course, because well I was sort of pissed at the world.

And if God existed I was pretty pissed at him too.