axel

::epilogue::

Dear Dad,

Hi. Remember me? Only daughter, youngest kid?

Um, I feel like I need to get this out on paper, and I'll probably mail this to you or something, I don't know. 

I have been so mad at you for so long, dad. I've hated you. 

You were my dad, and then you weren't. You ceased to be my dad, like that was your decision to make. Only it was't and it was unfair and harsh and for so long I have hated you for it.

You chose drugs over your own kids, when you knew we were hurting too. You chose to be fakely happy instead of sad, and now you're going to be sad for a long time. 

I hated you for so long.

I hated that you wouldn't come home for days on end. I hated having to worry about you all the time like I was the parent and you were the child. Do you realize that when I lost one parent, I really lost them both?

I just don't know, dad.

I'm all done being angry and holding this huge grudge against you, I guess. I'm all done because being mad and having hatred takes a lot of energy, and right now I'm trying to use all my energy to get up every morning and be happy.

So here's what I'm saying.

I still don't understand a lot of things you did to me and Josiah, and I wish more than anything you hadn't done them.

But.

I'm done being mad, and I'm starting down the road to forgive you. It might take me a while, but there's no room for hatred in my heart right now. I'm just trying so hard to be happy, and I don't want hating you to get in the way of me fixing myself. 

Yeah, so I guess that's it.

Josiah's in rehab, and hopefully he won't end up like you and dealing heroin and going to prison. You two are my only family left, and I can't afford for you to both be in prison, or for me to hate both of you.

So, yeah.

I might write you another letter soon, depending on if that's okay with you.

I do still love you, dad.

~Noah

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I let go of the letter, and it sinks to the bottom of the mail bin. Beside me, North clears his throat, "Took a lot of courage, didn't it?"

I nod and just stare at the bin, wondering if I could stick my hand down there and retract the letter. I was so indecisive about mailing it this morning. But now I have, and I don't think there's any going back.

I'm still staring at it, so North grabs my shoulder and turns me around. I lean against him, and he wraps his arms around me and we just stand there like that for eons.

"I love you, Noah," he whispers against my hair and I grin against his shirt.

"I love you too, loser." He laughs and lets go of me, and I grab my bag and we start walking down the street.

"Where are we going now?" I ask as he grabs my hand and swings it between us.

"Back to my house. I have to brainstorm for my spring movie."

North won the movie contest a few weeks ago. It was close between him and Sam, or so the woman who was heading it up said. North blew it out of the water in my opinion.