axel

::nineteen::,

Point of View: noah 

[Dark blue (dark blue)

Have you ever been alone in a crowded room well I'm here with you

I said the world could be burning (burning) down

Dark blue] {Dark Blue; Jack's Mannequin} 

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Dear Brain,

It always seems that you manage to lose a grip on my best memeoris, but instead hold fast to the bad ones. When I'm lying in bed at night, it isn't the good happy memories I think of. I see the bad ones, playing out over and over again like a broken record. They are plain as day, crystal clear like the very day they happened. They haunt me all the time. Even during the day, I can see them just like I'm there all over again.

I relive those moments instead of the good ones. It makes me angry, really. I can't close my eyes anymore withouth seeing my mom's body or my dad yelling or my brother sobbing. I can't lie down in silence because the screams engulf my ears and the terror pours over me. I'm getting sick of it.

These memories don't just show up as nightmore anymore- the things of dark and of the night. Now they're following me in the quiet peaceful moments of the day, waiting for a hushed opportunity to pounce.

It's like you know exactly what memories are my worst and you just want to make me cry. I hate sleeping now because of you. You scare me, with your endless bank of memories and pain. You seem to find the most random things everyday to remind me of the awful things I've been through.

Sign for a hospital? Your mother died in one of those.

Commerical for prescription drugs? Oh, now you're thinking about your dad again, aren't you? 

You're smart like that, brain. You know exactly what buttons to push to make me fall apart and break down. I wish you'd just leave. me. alone.

I wish that you'd lock up all the bad memories in a vault of some sort in my mind and only let me look at the good ones. But these days it seems like you're doing just the opposite. 

So where can I find the switch so you'll reprogram yourself and do what I want? 

You're my brain, so why don't I have control over you anymore? 

You roam free, doing whatever you want and show me horrible things and damn the consequences.

News flash!

If I break down, so do you.

If I fall apart, so do you.

If I die, so do you.

So pull yourself together before you get us both in an immense amount of trouble.

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I didn't want to tell a total stranger about Josiah.

And that's what North is, honestly. I don't know anything about him all all really. I don't really know many people anymore though.

I wasn't planning on vomiting my emotions and problems all over North, but it just happened. I don't cry in front of people, I just don't.

I hate crying in front of people, because it's the weakest point you can physically be at. People see the nasty gritty parts of you, and they're private and intimate and shouldn't be seen by just anyone.