axel

::twenty one::

Point of View: noah 

[Cold, dark sea

Wrapping its arms around me,

Pulling me down to the deep.

All eyes on me.

I pushed you away

Although I wished you could stay.

So many words left unsaid,

But I'm all out of breath.

So, go, go, go,

Get out of here.

Go away,

 Get out of here.] {Sinking Man; Of Monsters and Men} 

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

 Dear Josiah,

I didn't mean it. I didn't mean any of it, okay? All those things I said to you, I'm sorry.

Don't leave me. Don't you dare leave me. 

Were you trying to break my heart? Because you did a pretty darn good job of it. 

I know why you did it-the drugs I mean. I thought about it too, ya know? I mean at moments I thought it seemed like the best freaking option I had.

So, I mean, I get it.

But all those times I thought about doing it, I never once did. Because I didn't want to end up like dad, but also because I didn't want to leave you totally alone to fend for yourself.

So, I don't know what to think.

Do you mean more to me than I mean to you? Is that why you did it?

I don't even know anymore Josiah.

But I do know that if you leave me here, totally alone and shipwrecked, I will never forgive you for leaving me.

And I know that if you leave, this is the end of the Noah that the world knows.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::: 

I think there's only so much grief and absolute crap that your body can handle before it shuts down and says, "Okay, no more!"

When I recieved that phone call, my body just turned a switch and I left the building. Checked out, if you will. 

I didn't "check back in" until I saw Josiah lying in the hospital bed and something inside clicked back on and I just started screaming and I couldn't stop.

He's the only thing I have left, and I was looking across the room at him, and I had no idea if he was going to live or die, and I just lost it.

North says they sedated me because I wouldn't calm down, and when he came back in the room after being on the phone, I woke up.

I'm currently sitting next to North in a couple of chairs up against the wall opposite of Josiah.

I look up at the clock and realize with a shock that we've been here four hours already. I don't think I've said anything in the last two.

My brain is kind of shot. I cried off and on and off and on and now I'm just sitting here, looking off into space doing nothing.

My brain, the lovely thing that it is, is coming up will all the awful horrible scenerios. What would I really and truly do if my brother-the only family member I have left- were to die? What if he leaves me here totally alone and I have to go on?