Number 4

The Diagnosis

Well after my thoughts of death, I decided I needed to go on a trip. My plan was to just drive until I couldn't drive any further. I could potentially fall off the face of the world. I wrote a note to my dad. A separate one for my sister and brother.

Dear dad, I need to clear my head. There is so much drama at the moment. I'm going on a road trip. With nothing but clothes and 50$ in my wallet. I need this time to myself. Don't bother trying to stop me. By the time you get this I will have already left. I love you. Take care of Kate and Danny.

Dear Danny, I'm gone. I need to get some fresh air. I will miss you. I will come back as soon as I feel the air has cleared a bit in my absence. I will use payphones to call every once in a while. I love you brother.

Dear Kate, don't take my room while I'm gone. I am coming back shortly. I'm gonna need it when I do. I will try to call every night. If I get tired I promise I won't keep driving. I will pull over and stop for a few hours to rest. Please don't worry. Love you. I will be back for graduation. Don't grow up too much while I'm gone.

I even wrote one for Gavin.

Dear Gav, don't worry, I'm gone but I am gonna be back to graduate. Don't let Bailey worry. I will call her as soon as I stop. I'm gonna miss her a lot. I need to let all the drama cool down. When the air clears a bit I will be back. I'm not bringing my phone, don't try to call. I'm not leaving because of Bailey, please make sure she knows this. I'm leaving because of myself. I need to relax and get away from all this drama and nonsense.

I killed me to have to leave theses notes. I drove out to Gavin's place I left it taped to his window. I put Kate's on her vanity in her room. And I left Danny's in the front seat of his truck. And finally I left the note for my dad in his gun case. I knew he would find it soon cause he always counts his guns every morning. Well I guess it was time to leave. I grabbed my clothes and money and ran out the door. I left every but the money in my pocket and a handful of clothes. I passed by the sandlot. My life seemed to flash before my eyes the second I saw Danny and I playing baseball out on that field a few years back. With Kate cheering us on. I was an old memory but one of the best I have of all 3 of us. A true moment I will never forget. I got a little down the road. My sight started to get blurry I shut my eyes for a second and opened them again. I kept driving. It didn't faze me. I figured it was stress related. After about 4 hours of driving I saw a public phone. I had some change in my truck. I decided I had some people to call. First I called Bailey. I tried to explain where I was. Then I call the phone at my house. Danny answered, we talked for a few minutes. He put Kate on the phone. And oh boy, I got a lecture from her, and did I ever. I told her to put dad on the phone. My dad and I had a heartfelt conversation and I explained where I was. I told him I was fine and that I loved them all. I stopped at a truck stop to sleep for the night. I woke up at around 7am. I started on the road again. I started to get dizzy. I had the strongest urge to just crash the truck. I thought nothing of it until I tried to actually crash my truck in to a tree. I decided I needed to get off the road. I found another phone a couple miles down the road from where the thoughts crossed my mind. I called my dad he told me I need to get to a doctor immediately. He suffers from severe depression. So I drove down the road a bit. I saw a shopping plaza. I decided it would be best if I stopped and asked how to get to a doctor. Some very nice older lady told me I should go to the stop sign on the Conner, make a right, and when I hit 31st street there is a family doctor on the right side of the road. I pulled in to the small doctors office. It was painted a light sky blue on the outside and a tan-ish white inside. I wrote my name on the slip of paper on the counter. Within a few minutes my name was called. I walked back to room all the way in the far back. The doctor was probably in his mid-to-late 30's. He took blood. He asked a few questions. He asked of any illnesses in my family. I told him of my dad's and sisters depression. He asked a few random questions. He said I most likely have it also. I guess the last few questions were like a test. He asked why I came in. I told him I felt the need to crash my truck. And I told him that I thought nothing of it until I actually tried to wreck it. After that he told me I definitely have a case of depression. That fact hit me like a bullet to the head, but not until he wrote up a prescription for an antidepressant drug. (Yeah, I get it that was probably a really bad analogy but it seemed to sum up the feeling I had.) I called Bailey after I left the doctor. I told her I was diagnosed with depression and now I have to take a drug to calm it down a little. I called my dad to tell him the same thing. He said it runs in the family. Apparently my aunt on his side has depression and my grandparents on my moms side have it. Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to live every day to the fullest before I attempt to kill myself again.