Everything That Could Have Been

Kaelan

Kaelan

My name is Kaelan, that’s right I’m a guy, born with a stupid name; it’s a Gaelic name, which means ‘mighty warrior’. Yeah lame whatever. It’s not fitting for someone like me, well because I’m everything but mighty. Heck I’m not even brave. I have ash brown hair which is always messy, it makes me look as if someone screwed me over, the way it falls on my forehead. I have green eyes which always look tired and an uneven skin tone. Hey no don’t blame me for not applying sunblock it’s just not cool, like a guy, and sunblock. I don’t even like going outdoors. All the guys be like football and the beach and I am just here, with my internet and punk music. You want to know the worse part of me? Maniac Depression or whatever my counsellor calls it. I’m hopeless and I cry for help but push it away the moment someone tries to help me. I’m the type of person you hate.

There it is, the sunlight, damn it it’s a school day. Better get my ass off the bed. I hate looking in the mirror, I don’t get how girls can spend 15 minutes starring at themselves in the mirror because I can’t even stand a minute, I hate how I look. I know, I lack confidence but shut up, you’re talking to a guy who hasn’t had a best friend before, I must suck so bad, no girlfriend either, everyone just rejects me. I found my place among the loners. Here’s some tips on surviving high school:  Don’t talk to the popular people, you might just offend them and your life will be hell from then on. Don’t try to make friends if you know you can’t, and keep to yourself, keep your problems, your issues, everything to yourself, because no one gives a shit about it. (that’s the sad truth, suck it up). Sometimes I think about suicide, about hanging myself or drinking beer spiked with all kinds of sick drugs. It makes me think about how my mom would react to it, I’m pretty much a burden to her anyway so what’s the point of having me around. Maybe I’d come back as a ghost and haunt everyone. Wait, ghosts haunt the place they died at right? Maybe I’ll be a wandering ghost. Maybe one which haunts the ‘upper class’ in our hell of a high school.

My dad left my mom and I when I was 8, I can’t actually remember how he looks like…My mom was broken (love screws with you), she’s breathing but she’s not living. She tells me she’s over it and men are shit but I know that’s a lie. But who am I to correct her? I’m not doing so well myself. I grab my worn backpack and make my way to the hell-hole I call school. The walk ain’t that long, I like taking things easy, you know, enjoy life. Actually there isn’t much to enjoy. It’s autumn and the leaves are brown and the ground is littered with fallen leaves, it’s a beautiful sight, just that everyone who walks pass are so fixated on their phones they fail to notice the beauty of nature. Yeah I’m a sissy. I’m nearing my school, I can hear the annoying mainstream pop songs blaring from the passing cars and bimbos laughing; the jocks also laughing, just not the high-pitched laugh, it sounds like a hyena laugh mixed with gorilla sounds. Whoop! And there it is! The putrid smell of the school hall, walking to my locker is a torture too, because everyone is laughing and giggling with their friends over the most meaningless things and don’t get me started on the PDA (Public Display of Affection, excuse you).

“Hey Kale,” it’s Charlie. He’s alright but don’t trust him with your secrets. And he’s not good-looking, but the dumb thing is girls swoon over him because last year he ran down the school hall naked and according to some people “his hot body brought the bitches to the hall”. Like fuck whatever.

“’Sup.” I said nonchalantly, I really didn’t want to talk to him, he’s got a dirty mind and he’s a huge pervert, he tried kissing me once, saying it’s ‘for experience’. Like no, I ain’t giving my first kiss to a scumbag like you.

“You know, Audrey and Dedrick made up last night.” (cue internal gasp) Dedrick is an asshole and I am not saying that because he is popular and all that shit but he’s arrogant, pompous and an air-head, bad taste in music and disgusting. Did I mention he lost his virginity at 10 to a 15 year old girl? And it was consensual? Audrey belongs to the popular chic clique, she’s not in cheerleading or anything but she hangs out with the cheerleaders and almost everyone knows her name.