Everything That Could Have Been

Kaelan

Kaelan

            I scanned the headlines again. I’m such a fucking idiot.‘Hit & Run Accident, Victim Audrey Heyzell, 17, Dead’. I threw down the papers.  

There’s a lot running through my head. It’s my fault, I couldn’t protect her, and maybe if I had been there I could have done something. It said her body was found outside Rynneshire Street, which should be near Cheyenne’s house or Dedrick or someone, there was meant to be a party. Why didn’t anyone see it?   She had her future all planned out, and like a rejected blueprint, it was crumpled and thrown away. She knew where she was going but it was as if someone took a knife and just cut off the road ahead leaving her stranded. What’s worse is that I couldn’t tell her how I felt, I couldn’t tell her I was the guy in her dreams, the guy who held her hand, the guy she shared all those memories with, the guy whom could have been her first kiss. And like things couldn’t get worse, the secret is out and the whole school knows about Dedrick and his ‘intimate’ moment with Cheyenne, and being the cunts they are, you know what they’re saying? They’re saying Audrey killed herself. Suicide. Why? Because her ‘sad wedding plans’ have been crushed and she was so delusional that when the truth hit her, she couldn’t take it. What fuckery is that? Audrey is the last person on earth to do that. She’s strong, she knows how to get back on her feet, she’s been taught that since young. She had always loved life, she treasured it. Why the fuck would she choose to end it on her own?

            I’m a fool, I’m useless. I couldn’t do anything to stop it; maybe if I told her from the start, she would have left him. She could have found someone else, someone who would have loved her and treat her right, someone like me. All I’m doing now is blasting My Chemical Romance and moping about this shit. Yeah, cry, whine, because that’s the only thing I have ever known how to do. It was my response to everything. Who am I kidding? I don’t deserve her, if she’s deluded, then someone better send me to the fucking mental hospital. I need my pills, my anti-depressants but I know if I had them now, I would just end up swallowing the whole bottle and dying of overdose. Maybe I should so I can see her.

            I’m so sorry Audrey I know you can’t read this, but if I don’t let it out, I swear I’m gonna explode. You were never able to tell what I was thinking, I never told you, I didn’t want you to think I was a freak, I didn’t want to lose you. I should have held you close; I should have made the first move and introduced myself. I don’t care if you lost all those memories in the past because we’re going to make so much more in the future. I wanted to be your shelter against the heavy rain, you were the reason I wake up everyday, the reason why I haven’t popped pills and drank bleach. I woke up everyday believing that someday, I might be your best friend again, we were so close. But now, I guess, it’s over.

~

I woke up the next day with puffy eyes. I don’t want to go to school. It’s not a good day to go to school. Damn it, I need to get over myself. Self-pity is disgusting. I need to get over myself, over her death, over Audrey. But wait, I can’t, because that will forgetting her, why would I want to do that. I had a nightmare, I dreamt that I was there at the party, and I watched the car run over her, I didn’t do anything, I just watched her get killed and just before the car hit her she turned back and looked me in the eye and whispered “why”. I decided to call in sick, mom wouldn’t have mind anyway. I crawled back to bed and closed my eyes. Maybe this is all a dream and I will wake up soon enough.

~ 

            Who the fuck am I kidding?

~

            I woke up later in the day, probably noon. I sat on the couch, seeing ‘Friends’. Yes seeing, because I wasn’t exactly watching it, I wasn’t paying attention, all the voices came out tangled, muffled, the images just blotches of color. By the time the show ended, it was 4, or maybe it ended earlier but I didn’t notice. My house was empty, as in there was no food, not literally empty.  I grabbed some cash and started walking to the nearest grocery store. The walk seemed longer, the walkway a little emptier, the chatter a little softer. I was basically sleepwalking, that’s how it felt. As I walked down the road, I pictured her strolling down the street, hands in her pocket, smiling as she listens to some music. I pictured her sitting under a tree in summer playing the ukulele. There’s the sinking feeling in my chest again, as if a piece of me was torn out, because I know I won’t be seeing her anymore, and if I did (which I can’t), I would hold on to her so tight, and apologize and confess everything. Wishful thinking.

~

There’s a familiar figure sitting outside the grocery store, holding something to its mouth. The image was blur because my eyes went out of focus and I was too tired to refocus so I just walked towards the pale yellow and green splotch, hoping I don’t trip on anything. As I got closer, I heard a familiar tune, a harmonica? Ah, Saffron. True enough, as I approached the figure, and blinked, she was waving frantically at me, despite the fact I’m only 3 feet away from her.

            “Well howdy Princey Boy! Seems like you cut class today huh?”

            “Didn’t feel like it…”

            She let out a laugh, “I never feel like it”, and she just looks into the distance, as if she remembered something, her eyes filled with sadness. It was awkward, after all that has happened between us. She probably heard the news about Audrey too…but I don’t think she’s going to bring that up.

            “I’m sorry about what happened”, she said, her voice a little more serious and solemn.(Guess I was wrong) I didn’t know what to say, because Audrey wasn’t mine to begin with. I just shook my head. Our conversation ended there, because after that it was silent. I need to stop being a conversation killer. I looked around, hoping to see something to talk about. My eyes wandered and landed on her, I tried not to make it obvious that I was staring though that’s a very hard thing to do considering the fact she’s like 2 feet away from me, I scrutinized every detail of her body (not to sound like a pervert, like I said, I don’t like her that way). I probably did a bad job of trying not to make it obvious because she started shifting, “see somethin’ ya like?” she joked. I turned away, ok nevermind, I just make things awkward. Ok, umm…think of something to say.

            “Uh…What’s your favorite band?” I asked, it was a random question but I realized I never really knew much about her and since she took music pretty seriously I figured she probably have a few bands she liked.

            “Whoa there, tough question. Dang, I listen to a lot of stuff…Country, folk, a little pop, rock, heh sometimes throw in metal…Acoustic is great too, like everything unplugged…” she never really answered my question but at least I know now that she’s open to all genres of music. Open-minded, no wonder she’s okay with a freak like me, I wonder if Audrey would be too, if she found out how much I suck.

            “Umm…your favorite food?” Man, I need to be more confident in my questions, she might think I’m just asking this for fun. Guess she is my somewhat friend, my only friend, and I am probably her only friend too.

            She giggled, “is this interrogation? Sit down son, because I got ton a questions for you too!” Her smile, it’s always sincere, yet forced, I don’t know how to say it, as if it hides something, as if it hides pain. But at the same time she’s happy that you’re talking to her. Her smile says she’s happy but her eyes, always tell a different story. She patted the ground beside her and slid her harmonica in her pocket. I sat down, the ground was damp, cigarette butts littered everywhere, not a seat I’d choose. Not a seat anyone would choose, but still Saffron is sitting here, drowning her sorrows in music.

            “I like Mediterranean cuisine, it’s different, exotic, if ya will” she continued.

            “Do you want to be different?” No shut up, stop talking, stop twisting the subject into shit like this. She looked at me, her eyes are glassy, her lips twitched.

            “I don’t have to be, I am already different, I don’t have to wish to be something I already am”, no weird slang, no strange accent, which makes me wonder why she talks like a country drunkard sometimes.

“Saffron,” I paused, how do I say this without sounding rude? “ I think you need some help, like professional help…” I said my voice fading as I muttered the last few words. It’s not something you say to someone you aren’t exactly close to.

            She giggled, but she looked as if she was going to cry. “Kaelan, Kaelan, Kaelan…” she shook her head. She tilted her straw hat toward her face, covering her eyes, running her fingers through her wavy thick hair. “What I really need is a hug”