Everything That Could Have Been

Kaelan

                        Kaelan    

            To tell you the truth, I’m actually pretty scared to go to school now. After my ‘big’ ‘interaction’ with Dedrick, the whole school thinks I’m jealous of Dedrick, because he has Cheyenne. What kind of screwed up thinking is that? Cheyenne? Seriously? Of all people? Also, I am 80 percent sure Dedrick will punch me when he sees me. But fuck him. Fuck everyone. I’m done with all this bullshit, I’m tired of pretending to be okay when I’m not. I skipped so many therapy sessions and classes I swear I will have a mental breakdown soon. I received a call from the office asking me if I was going back to school. I have to, or I’ll have a lot of shit to cram when I get back to school. I finger-combed my hair and stuffed my books in my backpack and headed out of the door. I couldn’t care less about looking presentable. It was colder today, wind stronger and air chilly, I shoved my hands into my pockets. The autumn leaves crumpled under my feet, I walk across them, I like hearing the sound of cracking leaves. Sometimes, I think that the it’s the sound of breaking hearts. Nature is beautiful. Audrey was beautiful too, I mentioned that because the brown dried up leaves remind me of her hair. The color, warm and yeah hell I’m a sentimental person, no, nostalgic. I can’t get the word right.

            The road seemed a little more quiet, no squeals of laughter, no roar of car engines. Everything a little dead. The atmosphere went well with the carved pumpkins outside the backyards. Right. Halloween. December 31st, it’s the day people wear masks and disguises and go trick-or-treating and share scary stories. Halloween. Christians believe that on Halloween, the line between the living world and the spiritual world or afterlife is blurred, which is why we dress-up, so souls don’t recognize us. But, sadly, it has morphed into a holiday in which girls dress up like sluts and don’t get called the name, about parties with alcohol and weed. I don’t even know if they know the true origin of Halloween or what it’s actually about. The meaning is lost, why do we even call it Halloween anymore?

            I can’t be bothered to celebrate Halloween this year. Actually I stopped ever since the day she moved away. Like I said, I didn’t have many friends, and no one was actually as passionate about Halloween as I had been. I looked forward to scary stories not candies, I wanted a scary costume not a cute one. I was, different. That’s why I don’t have many friends. It’s not like I need them anyway.

            A familiar aroma, sweet, sugary smell. Caramel apples, probably, I mean I smelt caramel. This isn’t easy, especially when I think of her wherever I look. Caramel apples, I remembered sharing one with her because we both couldn’t finish one on our own.

“The sugar taste weird”.

“No it doesn’t and it’s caramel. Stop licking it all off!” she said as she pulled the caramel apple away from me. As if afraid I’d eat it all.

“I’m not! And really it taste funny!”

“You made it! With mommy and you said it would taste great! Don’t complain now!”

That’s right. Meaningless conversations. But when you have so little to hold on to, you grasp on to even the smallest things, the most meaningless, and hang on to it, as if your life depended on it. Damn it, I’m wasting my own time. Making myself depressed, as if I’m not messed up enough. I quicken my pace. “Why are you so depressed?” I can’t help it. “Why so sad?” I don’t know. “What do you mean? Just stop being sad.” That’s really helpful thanks. “Don’t have friends? Talking is easy!” It isn’t for me. “You don’t know till you try!” I know the result and I fear it. “Why so negative?” When you’ve spent most of your life having your expectations kicked around, you just stop having expectations. “It’s not helping that you don’t talk to anyone.” It’s not helping trying to force me into something. “Everyone will end up hating you if you continue to keep to yourself.” Which is why I choose to keep to myself.