Everything That Could Have Been

Kaelan

            Kaelan

Therapy. I wonder if I’m getting better, I still feel moody all the time, it’s been like that for over a year, I’ve had therapy for around half a year. Is it really helping? Is any of this helping? The pills? The stupid therapy sessions? Face it, I’m too damaged to be helped I should call up my therapist to tell her I won’t be coming in anymore. A wreck, that’s what I am. Keep smiling though, don’t let it show. I thought I was going to be okay, my life was going to be easy, I was careful, I stayed away from negative influence, I stayed away from love, I avoided getting hurt. But I still turned out like this. Where did I go wrong?

In case you’re wondering what therapy is, I basically sit face to face with my therapist and we talk about my ‘problems’ and ‘issues’, and after that, we’ll both pretend that my depression will get better and my problems will go away by talking about it. Sometimes she makes me draw, and then she ask about my scribbles, sometimes she tells me to write, I just end up writing failed poetry. She said I “poured my heart into it” so it was good, I wonder how long we’d keep up this game of charades and how long I will keep putting on a show for everyone.

Halloween. Halloween tomorrow. I squeezed my eyes shut and took a deep breath. I thought of caramel apples, apple bobbing, trick-or-treating, spooky tales, cauldrons filled with candy, costumes and masks. The celebration only starts at dusk, everything which happens in the day is as per normal, but the moment the sky darkens, the true spirit of Halloween makes an appearance. I love Halloween, I always have. My mom used to take me trick-or-treating, she used to prepare Halloween-themed food like pumpkin pie and severed ‘fingers’. Even after Audrey left, I still loved Halloween, though the spirit died down a little. We could have spent this Halloween together this year, we were kind of warming up to each other. She would even ask Saffron along, and it will be the three of us really celebrating Halloween.

On my way to therapy, I felt something strange. I felt as if I was being followed, more of that I wasn’t alone, but there was no one there and I’m pretty much turning into my mom, losing my shit, and going crazy, and hallucinating. Crazy.

Charlie has been texting me asking if I’m going to the dumbass paper crap party tomorrow. I said no, then he asked what I was planning to do. I was stumped and since I didn’t reply his text in like 10 minutes, he convinced me to swing by the party, “even got a bag for you!” He exclaimed. What a joy. I am a lonely person, I actually don’t want to be alone but I keep pushing people away. People like Charlie and Saffron. Well Charlie isn’t really my friend but still, he’s one of the few people in school who actually knows my name. Saffron, well everything I do just hurt her, and I can’t help it, wait no actually I can but. I’m always afraid of hurting people, I’m scared I accidentally make a snarky comment or offending someone. I really don’t want anyone to hate me. Maybe this could be different, if I stepped out of my dark little circle and talked to someone, but I’m too afraid, I myself, am afraid of getting hurt. Everyone is afraid of getting hurt right? I still have half a day left and I don’t want to spend it in this dusty house.

I made my way to the park. It’s funny how I’m spending more time at the park than at the beach, huh, is this change? The park was filled with people, I see an apple bobbing station already filled with apples, it’s not open but the Halloween deco is already.  I decided to take a stroll around. There were people everywhere, the spot I used to sit at is occupied by a college couple talking about wearing matching costumes. Some people are putting up lights on the trees. The thing about Halloween is that the moment it’s over, everyone is busy prepping for Christmas, like 2 months early. The houses opposite the park are all decked out ready for scaring. There’s this one house which sets up a ‘Haunted House’ in their backyard and every year it’s a different theme. I heard the daughter is a professional make-up artist and the dad used to work in a theme park so I guess their pretty good with these kind of stuff. The house beside it belongs to Mrs Joseph, she’s around 60 this year but she still works in the local bakery. She makes Halloween themed cookies and gives them out along with bat-shaped lollipops when you visit her. It sounds like a lot of fun, to go trick-or-treating, to indulge in the Halloween spirit, I’ll never understand anyone who hates Halloween. This year should be different, maybe I should celebrate Halloween, all these years, I’ve spent them alone, I stopped trick-or-treating, I basically watch horror movies and wait for my mom to come home and we eat pie, though she usually eats a bite and throws the rest out. Maybe I will stop by the party, but not in a paper-bag, in an actual costume, maybe I’ll go trick-or-treating and even stop by the haunted house. This year could be different. Is this how letting go feels?

“Oh hey Kaelan!” someone called out. I whipped my head around but saw no one I knew, I spun one round and my eyes landed on someone waving their hand at me. Charlie. He called out to me. In public. Maybe I’m not an embarrassment to him as I thought I was. He was with a girl with wavy hair, dip-dyed green. I didn’t recognize her, then again I barely know anyone. I walked towards the duo, Charlie leaned over to her and whispered something like “that’s him”. Her eyes lit up, I took a step back, fearing the worst, she’s gonna laugh at me, they both are and then I’ll be a laughing stock and more people will hate me and-

“You’re that guy who stood up to Dedrick right?” she looked impressed, as if I just were a scholar from Australia or something. She extended her hand “I’m Kaylee, nice to meet you! We have similar names, cool right?” I shook it.

“How did you know about me and Dedrick?” I questioned as I slowly lowered my left hand which was previously blocking my face.

“Whoa that sounded gay”, she laughed, “the whole school does, to tell you the truth, I think you’re cool for doing that! Audrey was one of my friends, was kind of sad when she, you know…”

Someone who thought what I did was cool, wow that’s a first. I had this stunned look on my face and Charlie started snapping his fingers in front of me. I jolted. “Oh thanks, I just um, didn’t like him talking bad about uh…anyone”.

“That’s nice! Were you close to Audrey? Oh wait you two were group mates right? I forgot about that!” she said as she smacked herself on the forehead. Charlie interjected.

“Yo hey, didn’t call you here so you can chat her up. Was gonna ask you about the party tomorrow. Got your paper-bag ready”, he gabbed as he whipped out a brown paper bag with a hot-dog shape cut-out and the words “Hello Weenie” on it. I shoved it away. Lame asshole.

“I’m not wearing that”.

“Dude you have to! Paper-bag is your ticket remember? ‘Sides, it’s not that bad, I’m pretty sure most people will take it off to drink the punch and make out and stuff, sides’ I’m sure the ladies love a dork.” he handed me the ugly brown bag again. “Oh and don’t drink the punch” he added.

I took the stupid paper trash and stuffed it in my bag, “why?”

Maybe there was something funny in my one-word answer because both of them burst out laughing, choking out the words “inexperienced” and “joke”. Punch is there for a fucking reason, what’s so funny. I just stared at them. Charlie placed his arm on Kaylee’s shoulder and shook his head. “It’s spiked, smart man” he hollered before walking off.

~

            Saffron: how does Halloween 2getha sounds? ; )

            Surprise, looks like I won’t be spending Halloween alone. I couldn’t say no, because, well I don’t have an excuse, I didn’t have any plans at all. Also, she isn’t a bad person and it’s not like I hate spending time with her. After so many years of being alone, after Audrey’s passing, this Halloween was going to be different.

            Kaelan: sure, but I don’t um really know all the ‘scary’ stuff to do so…

                Saffron: aww dude! leave it 2 me!        

            Kaelan: will you be dressing up?

                Saffron: hell yeahz! and u better! it’s freaking Halloween!!!

            Dressing up huh? This is going to be hard. How do I pull of something scary but easy? I might just end up looking like a dork. I haven’t worn a costume for more than 7 years. I wonder what she’ll wear, she’s expecting me to dress up to, so I can’t let her down, also that is the spirit of Halloween, not some lame paper bag shit. I rummaged through my closet for something, anything, an old shirt, ripped jeans or something.

            After ransacking all my drawers, I found an old Nirvana shirt and a pair of jeans with holes and splattered paint. It probably won’t cut it for Halloween, I would probably end up looking like some old painter with good music taste. Haha, no I hate crappy outfits. I threw on a jacket and made my way to the costume store down the street. Hopefully I’m not too late and the fake blood and props are still in stock.