Everything That Could Have Been

Kaelan

            Kaelan

I met Saffron up today, she said we should spend more time together if we really want to fool everyone into thinking that we’re a ‘thing’ now. I felt really bad because I am making use of her and I’m being selfish. She told me she won’t mind if this was an ‘actual’ thing, like if we really went out, I actually wondered if she actually liked me. Which made me feel worse about the whole thing, this won’t last and it’s wearing out our friendship, making it more awkward than it already is.

  We tried song-writing today, she had a really good sense of rhythm and beat, she kind of did the whole thing, I wrote the lyrics. She said I’d make a good poet but a poet doesn’t sound like the best job for me. Heck, I don’t even know what I want to be. Maybe I’ll be nothing, have a boring office job like my mom and get drunk all the time, drink so much that I can’t think straight, pop so many pills that the lights dance and sleep so much I can’t differentiate dreams and reality. Like a zombie. Maybe I am already a zombie. I haven’t been thinking straight. Actually, I haven’t been thinking straight for a long time.

I made some soup, canned soup, there were leftovers so I just placed it in the fridge. The clock read 9.30pm. The hours flew by quick, I can’t even remember what I did upon coming home. “Audrey”, I wrapped my tongue around the familiar vowels of her name. It felt like a decade since I spoke her name, since anyone spoke her name. Since she came back in middle school, I don’t actually remember calling her name out to her, I barely actually talked to her, even during the Geography project, I tapped her shoulder or said “hey”. Saying her name out loud made me feel cold inside, because it hurts a lot to say her name.

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to get some sleep. I’m going to head out early tomorrow. Early appointment with the therapist, been about a month and a half since I’ve seen the therapist.

Just as my vision dulls I hear the front door slamming, must be mom, and speak of the devil, she’s made her way upstairs and is standing outside my door.

“Kae! Kaelan get out! I have good news!” No slurring? Could it be she’s not drunk, wow a miracle. Is that the good news? I didn’t want to see her, now that I’ve moved on, she comes crawling back, where was she all the times I needed her? I kept quiet, maybe if I don’t make a sound, she’ll think I’m out. Though it’s almost 10.

“I know you’re inside! Get out! You have to see this!” I continued keeping still. That didn’t make her happy. She started slamming her hand against it, knocking violently, I’m pretty sure she’s kicking it too. A few minutes passed and she’s still outside my door. I won’t be able to get a wink of sleep if she continues.

“What now?” I snapped.

“I saw your father today! Come down! I brought him home! Say ‘hi’ to your father!” My eyes widened, after so long? Could it be possible? I got off the bed and ran downstairs. She followed me. I passed the empty living room and looked in the kitchen but there was no one. Why would he be in the kitchen anyway? I proceeded to the dining room but my mom tugged on my sleeve.  “Don’t you see him?” She pointed to the living room, I rubbed my eyes. It is empty right? I walked towards the empty couch. No one’s there.  She ran forward and hugged the air saying stuff like “I knew you won’t leave us alone”. She lost it. There’s no one here. She lost it. She lost it.

“Mom.” I started.

“Not now dear, I’m busy”, she said, her eyes still fixed on the empty space.

“Mom”, I said a little louder now. “That’s not dad, that’s not anything. There’s nothing there”. She turned to me, I could see anger in her eyes, betrayal, more like it.

“Don’t listen to him!” she said to the air again, she turned back to me. “How dare you say that? I thought you were my son!” I looked away, I don’t know how to tell her she’s hallucinating, that dad left us long ago. “You don’t believe me?” she said as she got up, she started walking towards me.

“Mom, there is no one here but us, dad left long ago.” I took her hand and walked to ‘dad’. I waved her hand back and forth through his ‘torso’ and said “there’s no one, there’s nothing…” I slowly let go and looked in her sad tired eyes, searching for an answer. Her lips started trembling and tears started building us, her mouth was agape, and she was shaking her head.

“I don’t understand…” Everything was silent, before she raised her hand and delivered a stinging slap on my face. I took a few steps back, wobbling around, clutching my cheek like some abused animal. She started sobbing into her hands. I couldn’t even feel mad at her. All I felt was pity. It was like my brains turned to stone, my head started feeling heavy and my legs struggled to support the weight. I went upstairs and left my mom sobbing. It’s been more than 8 years, I thought she would’ve realized that dad is not coming back, that he might be dead and we don’t even know. I closed my eyes and turned out the lights.  There are some things which you will never get over.