Everything That Could Have Been

Kaelan

Kaelan

            Things aren’t going well for me. I’ve been flunking; I haven’t been paying attention to any of the classes I’m going for. Even Saffron noticed that I haven’t been myself; she asked if I was okay, I nodded my head and she got the message and ceased probing further. It wasn’t that I was pissed at her or anyone, I just wanted to be alone. Like before, I always was, I didn’t have friends, since I have survived till now without any I probably don’t need them. ‘Self-destructive behavior’. If you think I need to pick up the pieces and get over her, you’re wrong. Anyone can say that “stop being sad, she’s dead, nothing you can do”. I don’t think you understand how it feels to be me. Why don’t you try, try and put yourself in my shoes. She deserved better really. But I’m a loser, I suck, the only thing I’m doing now is pushing people away, people who want to help, nice people like Saffron. I’m probably hurting them. That’s right, the only thing I know how to do is hurt people, did I forget that? I still stare at photos of her, I still think about our childhood. Everything I do, everything I see everything I hear, reminds me of her. Today, I stopped by the beach and wrote on the sand, it reminded me of her, I walked passed a bakery, they were selling fruitcakes, her favorite. I heard the acoustic version of “Don’t Dream It’s Over” by Crowded House, the first song she learnt on the ukulele. It’s tearing me apart. The little things, tear me apart, these little things make me think of her and the more I think of her the more I want to punch myself hard in the jaw. It’s like a haunting. Everytime I see someone with brown hair, I’d think it’s her but it’s not and I know that in my heart already but I can’t help it. Maybe she’d come back as a ghost? Maybe she will say ‘thank you for looking after me’ to her parents because she is nice and sweet and she loves her parents.

I took a left turn out of the disgusting canteen as I emptied my lunch tray into the trash. I heard giggling and then I heard a guy’s voice. Dedrick and freaking Cheyenne. Must I walk in on them all the time? He was holding her chin up, she had her hand on his arm, staring at each other as if they were watching a show in the other’s eyes. I cleared my throat.

            “Whaddya want?” He looked up at me. Maybe he is retarded or something. Or his tongue is too big for his mouth he can’t speak proper English.

            “It hasn’t even been a month and you’re hooking with some other girl? With her best friend?!” I pointed at Cheyenne. I should stop because I know this will escalate to a fight. But I couldn’t, my body moved on its own and my mouth started rambling. I couldn’t hold it in.

            “D’ya have a problem with that?” he challenged. He started walking towards me. Cheyenne folded her arms, she was smiling, amused at the fact a nobody like me stood up to a popular douche. She looks eager to see Dedrick sock my face. I started taking half-steps back.

            “What is wrong with you? Did you even like her? She just passed on and you don’t even seem the least bit depressed!” He’s going to punch me. He’s going to punch me.

           “Me? Wrong with me?” He says as he grabbed the front of my shirt. “Maybe ya right, maybe I didn’t like her.” He was literally spitting in my face and his bad English made it harder for me to resist punching him in the face. So I did, I kicked his shin and the moment he let go, I swung my fist into his face. I made a run for it because if he caught me, he’d definitely beat me to a pulp. I ran out of the school, I wasn’t really paying attention in class so I might as well run out. I sprinted home, sweating and panting. I locked the door behind me and poured myself a glass of milk. I should probably call the school office and tell them I had food poisoning and I didn’t go to the nurse’s office because I was going to puke. Sounds like a somewhat decent excuse.

           After trying to sound confident and persuading the lady behind the phone, I went to shower. Like most people, my mind tends to wander when I shower. Is Audrey still here? I wonder how she is. I can’t remember when her funeral is or where it is going to be held. Now that she’s not around, it’s only me and Saffron for the Geography project. Which means it’s going to be awkward. Tears started running down my face or maybe it’s the shower. It’s not easy to get over someone especially when you love them.  I dried myself and made my way downstairs to the television. I rummaged through my miserable collection of DVDs. A Walk To Remember, Paranormal Activity, She’s Out Of My League, Skyfall, The Poltergeist and some other Asian movies whose names I can’t read, all these movies are actually pretty good. I don’t really have anything very new so I make do with what I have. I loaded The Poltergeist DVD into the player. The movie started playing. The quality wasn’t very good. I’m not really into horror movies but I just really wanted to feel better. I started munching on some cereal as I watched the movie which reminded me I should really go grocery shopping or something.

~

            Like every horror movie, the characters are stupid and easily killed. Poltergeist, they are ghosts which can move things around, even throw objects(?), according to the movie anyway. Makes me wonder if you can choose to be poltergeist or if you are specially selected or something. I popped the disc back into its case and went back to my room. I stared at the photo of Audrey and me on the wall. If I remembered correctly, we were around 7 and it was her birthday night. She’s dressed in a pink halter dress with a butterfly pattern, while I was dressed in a plain white shirt and army green shorts. We had a barbeque in her backyard. After it was over, everyone reeked of smoke but that didn’t stop us from placing our arms around the other person in a half-embrace. I have many photos of us, but this is my favorite. We were both so happy, my mouth was half-open, because the picture was taken while I was laughing and her lips were parted, she was giggling. The photo screams ‘best friends forever’. I flipped the photo so I wouldn’t have to look at it. It was my favorite photo, but it made me think of her, which made me feel bad. Getting over her will take a long time. My eyes snapped open when I heard a loud slam. I checked the clock, 8.30pm. How long have I slept? I tip-toed down the stairs, and a sickly smell of alcohol hit me. Mom. I was so caught up in my own mess I forgot.

            “Hi Kae, have you eaten? How was school? You look tired you should get more sleep,” she breathed. I shrugged my shoulders; I started trying to keep conversations with her short, because she is usually too drunk to say anything sensible. She continued rambling. “Do you want food? I can order take-out or pizza.” She started slurring her words. I haven’t eaten real food for some time, not that pizza is real food but I have been living off old boxes of cereal and TV Dinners.

            “Pizza sounds good,” she picked up her cell phone and dialed the number. Pizza arrived in half an hour. She ordered BBQ Chicken and Hawaiian, I suddenly remembered she doesn’t like beef; it seems so long ago since I actually sat down and ate a meal with her, when I actually remember something about her.  Both of us were both drowning in sorrow and dying from heartbreak yet we didn’t realize we weren’t alone. As strange as it is, it felt good to have something in common with my mom, it’s like a connection, though I don’t think it will last very long. We chowed down the pizza in silence and my mom drank a cup of coffee before turning into bed. “Protection against hangovers!” she said. Maybe she’ll get over dad soon, maybe she will stop coming home drunk, maybe we can start having dinner together, maybe I can tell her about school and we can go to parks and malls together as a family. But then I realized, these are all just ‘maybe’.