Everything That Could Have Been

Kaelan

Kaelan

                The meet up turned out better than I thought it would. I brought Audrey her favorite fruit cake, (yeah until now I still remember) and I got apple juice because everyone loves apple juice right? We picked a shady spot under a tree. Audrey was smiling throughout and I didn’t know she wanted to be a music teacher, she’s got her whole life planned out and I don’t even know what I’m going to do after high school. She said she wants to have two kids and I can see the halcyon in her eyes, like she’s hopeful, like she doesn’t know that Dedrick is just playing with her feelings, like she doesn’t know that while she is out there planning her future, her marriage with him he is trying to get in her best friend’s jeans. I hate keeping secrets and then I remembered Saffron’s secret. I looked at her, her eyes are half open, as if she’s tired but she’s smiling and she looks a little high but she’s not the kind to take drugs, her eyes are a little puffy and she braided her hair today. She told us she lived with her aunt, uncle and cousin. I wanted to ask her what happened to her parents but she just giggled and started playing her harmonica. She looks so blissful playing the harmonica that I smiled. It’s actually really uplifting to see someone happy. Have you ever stopped and took that moment in? To be happy for someone?

            It turned dark pretty quickly and 3 hours went by sneakily because I didn’t know the sky changed color and the sun was setting. Audrey was the first to get up and leave, her parents were waiting for her. Audrey, she’s a loving daughter and she is committed to the household. Too bad it’s hard to be a good son when you don’t have the best mom. My train of thoughts was interrupted by Saffron getting up and brushing the grass off herself. She was about to leave, and I couldn’t let her leave just like that.

            “Saffron!” I called out

            She turned back with a lopsided smile and curious expression. “Yes? Princey boy?” she said teasingly.

            “If you ever need someone to talk, I’m…I’m here…” her reaction to this kind of surprised me, because for a moment, she wasn’t Saffron, her happy ‘dope’ image shattered and was replaced by a look of surprise and glee, more of touched, that someone actually said that to her. But as quickly as it came, she went back to her usual expression, the tired-happy look she has. I’m really starting to wonder if ‘happy’ is something I’d use to describe her.

            “Are you?” she giggled, “Dat’s nice boy, no ones’ ever said that to me before…” her voice trailed off and her face fell, she turned and walked off. And like always, I’m left feeling a little empty.

~

            I woke up the next morning a little light headed, still thinking about what I said to Saffron. Sometimes the people who are smiling are only smiling because if they don’t, it will be too much to handle. I want to help her (shit when did I start caring about people?), she has a nice smile, she’s caring and she deserves happiness, not the fake smile she wears, I want to see her smile, like a real smile. If she cuts herself, does that mean she wants to die? I think there was a famous quote something about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Suicide. Does it really take the pain away? I once read a poster which read ‘Suicide is for Cowards’. That’s bullshit. Sometimes people are just tired and sick, tired of trying, sick of feeling pain, don’t label us, you don’t even know what we’re going through.

 After my usual routine of showering and hunting for food, I started making my way to school. The only difference this time is the fact that I met Saffron. She’s wearing a straw hat with actual red roses and a white tee and denim shorts. She gave a faint smile.