too much to live with~Arwen

Chapter 11

“How was the party? Did you enjoy?” Kevin asked Arwen while checking out the menu. They were sitting in a restaurant. Arwen had not wanted to come. But she was doing nothing but feeling sorry for herself when alone at home. She was tired of her mind thinking endlessly.

“Yup. It was fun.” Arwen said. She looked around in the restaurant and told her father about her evening in the pub. They were meeting for the first time after her party. She didn’t dare tell her father about her meeting Verona. Ryan was never the topic of their conversation. Apart from that Arwen told whatever fun she had while in the pub. Kevin noticed that Arwen didn’t look enthusiastic while narrating the event. He assumed Ryan to be the reason behind her bad mood. He decided to save the conversation for later when Arwen would be in a tolerable mood. He was enough considerate to give Arwen the space. It wasn’t space Arwen was looking for. She could see that her father didn’t miss the distress in her voice. She did appreciate her father for not being pushy.

“Well I used to love my own graduation parties. Me and my friends used to party not once, but many times for a single occasion.” He looked out of the window, probably reminiscing one of his days.

Arwen smiled at him. “Each party, previous to the last wasn’t satisfying enough?”

“Something would always go astray. Though we ourselves never knew what kept us looking for more. It’s always thrilling to look for the missing part.” His eyes gleamed. “Irrespective of being satisfied.”

Arwen puckered her brows. She was mystified by his last sentence. “You’re saying it didn’t matter if you got or didn’t get what you were searching for?”

“Yeah, mostly we couldn’t find.” He winked at her. “Our parties remained the same. I still do not know what it was we kept missing. May be some sexy girls, I assume.” He joked.

“How could you be smiling about something you couldn’t find an answer for?” despite herself, Arwen smiled. She was amused to see her father being happy about something in which he was never satisfied. It comes with age, may be. The ability to see your life without regrets.

“Experience is what counts more, which you get only after not getting what you wanted. At least I knew what life was going to provide me with. It strengthened me mentally.” He smiled.

Arwen smiled in return. Kevin spoke the words which in gist Arwen called ‘accept life the way it comes.’ Different forms, but always the same meaning. The more you accept, the more you’re satisfied. The more you demand, the more you starve. But the demands never end. Ryan didn’t contact her after that evening. Neither did Arwen. None of them went to college and none of them slept well at nights. Arwen desperately wanted to see him. But she was scared of the sudden inquisitiveness of her heart. Was he angry at her? Why wasn’t he calling her? Was he even thinking of her? Or was he off with that brunette? Was he missing her like she does? Arwen could have easily asked him all of these. Ryan would even answer. But Arwen had never stopped or questioned Ryan’s activities. Why should she be doing it now? She would be claiming a very different right on him if she does. So, what if I do?

 Arwen could see where all of this would be leading her. What she couldn’t understand was the unexpected fear. Why was she scared? If she could imagine herself along any guy, that was Ryan. That night, in the pub, for the first time she had felt something very strongly for a guy. She was stunned to realize that it was jealousy. How much she had hated to see Ryan with somebody else. How much she had wanted to be in place of that brunette. Unexplained feelings jostled in her heart. Arwen loathed her mind’s complexity. Why was she never able to look at things clearly and simplify them? It always lead to complications, for her. She memorized the simple happiness she had experienced only moments before watching Ryan with the girl. She had been so satisfied and ready to face everything fervently, with Ryan along with her. Slight ups and downs had a great impact on Arwen. She didn’t want to go head fast into anything. It’s very easy to fall in love. Coming out of the hole is what required great abilities. Ryan’s little act seemed like a warning to Arwen. She sighed, while munching her food. If Ryan had to catch up with any girl, then he had had plenty of opportunities. Arwen detested herself to be thinking that low of Ryan. Ashamed, she was, to admit how less she knew him. Well then, wasn’t it herself, to be responsible for the havoc? She was jealous. Without Ryan’s help.