Diana

Chapter 12 : Cuts Over Cuts

November 12th

I slept in the guest bed alone since harry insisted he'd sleep on the couch. Maybe I should just go home even though I didn't want to but my mom would be worrying too much, but the problem is my dad he's gonna kill me for sleeping out on a school night, literally. I guess since it's late now I have no choice but to miss school, *cough, cough* hell.

I sighed sitting up in the bed. I really just don't want to go home. Maybe I could afford a train to london, but that would be rude and selfish of me to just be like, hi harry mind if I go to London with you? I can't do that, well I can, but I don't want to.

I guess I'm just gonna have to suck it up, and go home. I slept in the same clothes as yesterday, and walked to the kitchen. I didn't want to bother anyone so I just wrote on a mini note pad from my purse, that I'd be walking home and thanks for the stay.

I tip toed out of the house and started walking home, I wasn't sure where I was going but after thinking for a minute I tried to remember which way harry drove from yesterday, and before I knew it. I stood there on my porch hesitating to open the door. It's already 10am and I hope dad is not home.

Slowly I grabbed my house keys out of the pocket of my purse, unlocked the door, and there he was. Angry red faced father. My hands began to tremble.

"Where the fuck have you been?" He asked with a vain popping out of his head.

"Huh? Where were you?" He asked again.

"I-I slept at my friend's house." I got out fairly quickly.

"What friend?!"

I thought for a minute before I said Harry; he would kill me if I was with a boy.

"Ha-her name is Eleanor." I replied with shaky breath, shit I almost said harry.

"Go get yourself cleaned up, you look like a piece of shit!" He yelled loudly.

I nodded my head and ran to my room. For a minute I thought he would slap me but he didn't. The only reason my mom is still with my dad is because he has money. He pays my mother for food and bills, and beats us up. He doesn't love us. If my mom says anything judgmental towards him she gets beaten up. It's just a cycle. My mom is pretty poor and she need his money, so we continue to live with him. But most of the time he's not even home so that's a plus.

I closed the door to my room and locked it. Cutting is my only way out of this mess besides suicide. It's like a temporary good feeling like drugs. I looked at the posters on my wall. It's time to take them down and hide them. If harry ever came into this room, that would be an embarrassment.

After I was done ripping those posters off my wall I took my razor that was always hidden behind my books on the black wooden bookshelf. I've cut my wrists too much this week and sighed. I pulled off my leggings and looked at my bear ugly fat thighs that did touch. I'm not the type of girl to even try for a thigh gap, although I wish I had one.

There were cuts over cuts over cuts on my left thigh, and just a few on my right. I dug the sharp silver razor into my right thigh. The blood came out fast and dripped down my leg. Was it painful? No...it felt really good, like the best happiness I ever had, not really, but it did feel like something great, I just can't put my finger on it.

Only because I came to that point of my life where I feel nothing at all and cutting myself and looking at the blood just drip out of me is the only way I know I'm still alive. I know it sounds crazy but it's the truth, there's no better way to describe that feeling.

The feeling of releasing all that pain that has been bothering me for months, maybe even years, it just leaves you for a little while. And even If I only have the tiniest minute about feeling good before regretting myself for this, that moment feels like I'm happy again and maybe there's just that tiny sliver hope left.

But the pain will always come back, no matter how hard I try, I can't live without pain, nobody can. And then you start to think is it really worth living anymore, if there's nothing left and I just feel empty all the time? Maybe In this case suicide is the answer.

****************************

Authors note,

Hey guys!!! Thank you to everyone who is reading so far, I really appreciate it, I really really do! And I've already gotten 5 votes and 1 day so thank you!!!! Hopefully you guys like this fanfic! If you're reading it would really mean a lot to suggest your friends to read but that's your choice :)! If you're going through depression at all just know you're worth it really, I'm not just saying that, basically what I'm writhing right now is exactly how I felt when I was going through depression, but obviously the one direction part is fake, but I've attempted suicide many times and finally took it as I sign that, you know what maybe god really wants me to be here. Maybe there will be something good for me after all! Just try to stay positive, I know it's hard, but at least try. I love you all thanks for reading! Byeeee,

xoxo Evelyn <3