follow me instead

doubt and worst fears

Josh's POV

Melanie and I sit down wearily in my small living room.

"I know its not much but its home," I spoke contently.

Adjusting herself to a comfortable position, she looks to me with an extremely fake smile. Staring down at her lap she stutters, "He's not safe."

"What do you mean, Mel?"

Looking me dead in the eyes she speaks calmly yet gradually her words get more frantic, "I meant exactly what I said, Tyler is not safe. He's never safe when he's alone."

"The nurses are there. They will keep him sa- "

"NO THEY WON'T. They won't keep him safe! All they will do is put him on more drugs! That's all they ever do! He will take the chance, Josh! If he's alone and the voices call to him, he will do whatever they make him! Rather that be self harm o-or k-kil-"

As Melanie tries desperately to speak she just could not utter the last word. An unspoken meaning passes between us and even just the idea of it haunts me.

Quickly getting up, I run to her side and cradle her to my chest, "Shhhh, Melanie, it will be okay." I speak softly holding her close as she cries into my shoulder.

"I'm j-just so sca-scared, Josh!" She exclaims, the words muffled against my now damp sweater.

Rubbing her back, I attempt to calm her down, and considering the weight of the subject it isn't exactly the easiest thing to do, "Mel, I worry about him too, but its gonna be okay. how about  we go up and visit him tomorrow?"

Pulling her head away from my neck to look at me, she wipes her tears and laughs sadly, "Yeah, that'd be nice, thanks. It just feels like I haven't been able to connect with him after the accident."

Eventually when we both settle, we switch on the TV to avoid our minds drifting to a matter we can't handle, and a situation that's too late to change.
************************************

Tylers POV

11 days

Laying on top of the covers of my new hospital bed, I turned to my window and watched as the red sun went down and the doubts came out.

Scared of my own immaturity.
Scared of my own ceiling.
Scared I'll die of uncertainty.
Fear might be the death of me.
Fear leads to anxiety.

I just wanted to sleep.
To fall away.

Yet I can't. Its hard to sleep when I can't stop thinking of why I'm still alive.

I feel alone. I am alone. And I hate it.

You're not alone.

Intaking a large breath I prepare myself for the constant battering I get from this voice of mine.

What are you even fucking doing here? Aren't you supposed get the hell out of here? Back to your fucked up ways? After all you are just a fucked up. In every way.

"N-no. Just leave me alone." I whisper into the night.

What was that? Do you think you have a say in this? Didn't you say you hate being alone? Well I'm here for you, so I say, LISTEN TO YOUR ONLY FRIEND. ME. You are nothing. Literally fucking nothing to anyone. But me.

I began to tear up, "Ju-just stop! I can't take this!" I yell, out just quiet enough for the nurse not to hear me.

As I tried to wipe my tears I jerk my hands up too quickly, and the hospital band dug into my wrist.

I slow down my breathing just in time to hear it speak again.

Aww, poor little baby. Sad because you fucking sliced your arm up like the emo fag you are!

Fresh tears fall from my eyes, and I push myself onto a sitting position against the wall behind my pillow, "I just want to die but I can't. I don't want to put Melanie through that, she's my only friend."

I hear a familiar voice say my name to a nurse down the hall. Wiping my tears frantically, I grab a book with a boring cover that was left for me on the night stand.

As I looked  to the door I couldn't help but smile.

Josh?

"Hey tyler." He looks very tired.

Melanie comes in, right in his tail. Calling out my name before running over and hugging me."I am so sorry. Please don't leave me. Please."

Yet in the back of my brain, the voice with no face, tells me I'll be leaving her soon.

I want the markings made on my skin,

To mean something to me again,

Hope you haven't left without me,

Hope you haven't left without me, please.

((Doubt- twenty one pilots))