Jazs's Journal

July 1st, 2016

The guy I'm talking to now .. He's no someone who is good for me. He'd benefit from me more than I would him and maybe I'm a fool for staying in his presence but I get the sense that he needs guidance . Why do I feel like I need to be the one to give it ? Well I met him for a reason and yes it's a struggle but until someone better comes along I'll be here with him trying to brighten and make clear his focus.
He's a sweet guy. He's funny. But he isn't very open minded , kind of has misogynistic ways that I shouldn't over look but I tell him what the issue is and yet he just refuses to understand in public but to me he knows and he apologies..
Why must be out up this front ? I don't like fronts ..
He's no good for me but I'm lonely & it's okay because I know he isn't really about me , him and I have something in common. We are 2 beings that no one loves so we figured we'd love each other yet we are poison to the fruit of love. Maybe I'm a bad person for allowing someone to drag me through issues and maybe I'm a bad person for using him the way he uses me. I thought I liked him a lot . I wasn't lonely until him and I met. Now all I do is think of ways to keep from thinking of him.
I was thinking today .. He's the only person who ever tells me I'm beautiful, being the only person I know personally. I don't feel beautiful everyday and I don't feel beautiful most of my days.. But everyday he lets me know more than once how radiant I seem to him. Maybe that's why I allow him to give me headaches ..my mother doesn't tell me how beautiful I am , and I've never heard her say the words to me. She's only said then about other girls just not me.
My father never told me I was beautiful, my grandma never told me , my aunt never told me ..no one I love deeply has told me. So to hear him say it brings a weakness in me I can't understand . A soft spot for him that maybe shouldn't be there.
I mean I could cut him some slack he isn't the spawn of the devil we are just drastically different. Yet the one of the only things we have in common is our liking for one another . Maybe I'm not lonely , maybe I just think I am because soon as we speak I'm back to feeling high and when we don't speak I become a dismal thought.
He's suppose to be taking me on a date Saturday.. Before I have work
I never been on a date before and I'm not sure if I want him to be my first .. Oh well it's the experience that counts.
Love is a losing game . Says Amy winehouse ..
I just always dreamed I'd be with someone who is majestic in the sense of peace and has traveled light years to find me in this lifetime ..
Yet all I keep getting are these wanna be thugs who push synthetic green just to stunt with green for the homies and doesn't understand the concept of simple speak but speaks in broken Ebonics .. And I don't judge but if you're gonna be a thug atleast be the Tupac Shakur kind ..