Jazs's Journal

July 5th, 2016

Lately I've been feeling like "why" .. Why do this and why do that and why be in love and why even try to bond with anyone . I feel lonely most of all and that's embarrassing because usually I enjoy my own company ..but it does get quiet in a room with my own thoughts.
I keep saying sorry and I didn't notice how much I said it until Brandon pointed it out .. Kinda upsets me how I've let men make me become immune to saying sorry . Especially for things I don't need to be sorry about.
I would say sorry for having small boobs because they'd always discourage me , I'd say sorry for expressing myself because they'd always tell me to shut up , Id say sorry for not texting bank fast enough because they'd always be angry with me .. I'd say sorry for things they did .. I've never had anyone tell me not to . I just said it so they'd stop being mean to me.
The last guy I told you about in my entry made a fool of himself and he lost me . I'm happy I don't entertain him anymore because I was miserable. Each day my interest went down and I was trying to hold on to something that wasn't going anywhere.
And Brandon is the first guy to actually say "hey stop " or " nothing to be sorry about" .. He has no idea how much that actually means to me.
You know I really like him as a person but I know that I shouldn't . Maybe I should just let it be because he wouldn't care to feel that deeply for me .
I'll get to making playlist and telling him all my business and writing poems for him.. Oh it would be bad .
But he's a great guy so I'm okay with being his platonic lover for now. A friend is more important than being anything else.
He helps my anxiety though. When talking to him I feel at ease and it's nice .. I guess you can say I feel "safe " .
I'm in a place where lately I've disliked my body & I'm a woman , I think this is normal because next week I'll think my body is perfect .. I'll be okay it's just a matter of time that's all